


Fireflies (Briefly Held, Meant to be Let Go)

by skyhillian



Series: Fireflies [1]
Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Anal Sex, Brief Foot Play, F/M, Lots of emotions and gayness, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Health Issues, POV Third Person, Present Tense, obligatory AU au because it's required at some point right, unprotected sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-07-12 00:15:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 35,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7076572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyhillian/pseuds/skyhillian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan's not going to say that he's NEVER thought about what it would be like to be married to Arin, but he tells himself that it's only because he's curious as to how Suzy deals with such a complete dinkus at home. However, when he wakes up one morning to find Arin in bed with him, he won't have to wonder any longer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1 - I Woke Up on a Wave That Crashes

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Skyhill's song, Firefly. 
> 
> Disclaimer: It's fiction. Cry with me, too.  
> Also, if any of the grumps find this, enjoy this shit. ;)
> 
> For Cottonstones (in a way) because Cassie is my favorite grumps author by far.

 

Danny startles out of whatever dream he was having by the sound of pots clanging around in the kitchen. The dream was a pleasant one, something that brought him back to his Morrowind days, but as he fully works his way into consciousness, the dream slips away from his fingertips. He sits up in his large bed and stretches, groaning happily when his tendons make satisfying cracking sounds. When he reaches for his glasses, he notices that the other side of the bed looks like it recently had someone in it, but that can't be right, considering Dan didn't bring anyone home with him. He chalks it up to him probably getting out of that side of the bed in the night to pee or something and he crawls out of bed and pulls on a ratty old Rush t-shirt.

His hair is particularly Jewy this morning so he wrestles it into a bun on the back of his head before opening his bedroom door. He's still bleary from sleep when he wanders into the kitchen, and as a result he doesn't notice at first who is at the stove making breakfast. When he does, however, he pauses in his search through the fridge for orange juice.

"Arin?" he asks, incredibly confused.

Arin is in his Hello Kitty pajama bottoms and a thin black tank top, prodding at bacon that's in the skillet. He looks up at Dan and smiles, and Dan can't keep the smile off of his face—Arin's grin has a way of infecting people and making them smile along with him.

"Yeah, Danny?"

Dan quirks an eyebrow and finally locates the orange juice—it was hiding behind the milk jug. Arin so rarely calls him Danny. "Where's Barry?"

Arin looks confused at this and Dan looks confused at Arin's confusion.

"At his house?" Arin answers, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Um," Dan begins while pouring his OJ into the Batman cup he grabbed from the dish drainer, " _this_  is his house...?"

Arin frowns. "Did Barry move in within the last five hours without telling me or something?" He flips the bacon over before turning back to Dan. "He's at home with Suzy, you dingus."

"Why's he with Suzy?" Dan is so, so confused and he's starting to think that he's actually still asleep and having some batshit weird lucid dream.

"One _generally_  lives with their wife, Dan." A weird ringing begins in Dan's ears and he suddenly feels wetness on his feet. It takes Arin's loud, surprised shout to make him realize he's dropped his cup on the ground and covered the linoleum with the glorious OJ he didn't get a chance to drink. "What the hell?" Arin asks, sliding the skillet onto a burner that isn't on and turning off the oven. He grabs the roll of paper towels and drops down to his knees to clean up the spilled drink, because Dan is apparently frozen to the spot.

"What?" Dan finally manages to get out, and by the time he does so, Arin is mopping up the last bit of OJ. He pats at Dan's feet and his shins softly, cleaning the juice off him. When he stands up, he continues the confusing streak by brushing one of the stray pieces of hair Dan couldn't get into his man-bun out of Dan's eyes.

"Are you okay, Danny?" Arin's brow furrows in concern and he sucks slightly on his bottom lip. Dan watches the minute movement with rapt attention. It distracted him _every_  time Arin did it, and despite the weirdness going on, this time was no different.

"Why do you keep calling me Danny?" he asks, frowning out of confusion. "You never call me Danny."

The crease between Arin's eyebrows deepens and he sucks on the inside of his cheek. "I've been calling you Danny for a long time now, man."

Dan sighs and rubs at his eyes behind his glasses with his fingers until spots flash within the darkness. When he opens his eyes and the blurriness clears, Arin is still watching him intently. "Maybe I just need to eat," he mutters, though he's pretty damn sure that eating some bacon isn't going to explain why Arin said _Barry_  is married to _Suzy_.

Halfway through breakfast, however, things get weirder when, from across the table, Arin brushes his foot over Dan's bare ankle. Dan startles and nearly drops his bacon, but he continues on eating, briefly thinking about how he's so bad at being Jewish sometimes, but _fuuuuck bacon_. When the foot slides higher up his leg, however, he pauses.

"Arin, what are you doing?" he asks, slightly peeved at the nervous warble in his voice.

Arin looks up from his phone, which he's idly scrolling through as he eats. "Is my foot too cold?"

"No, it's just... _why_  is your foot inching towards my junk?"

"You were into it last week," Arin says slowly as he carefully retracts his foot from Danny's thigh. "I'm sorry, man. I didn't know something had changed. You gotta clue me in on that shit, babe."

If Dan had had any food in his mouth he would have choked on it. He clutches his head and rubs at his temples. This has got to be the most vivid lucid dream he has ever had and he's doing a shit fucking job at the _lucid_  part of it, since he can't seem to control the situation at all.

Arin's hand is warm when it encircles Dan's wrist, and despite how weirded out he is, Arin's touch comforts him, just like it always does. "Are you getting another one of those migraines?" The worry is evident in his voice and Dan automatically feels bad for causing it.

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbles. "I'm gonna go back to bed for a while."

"Okay," Arin says as Dan gets up and puts his empty plate in the sink. "If I can do anything, let me know, man."

Dan nods in affirmation and heads back into his bedroom, and now that he's fully awake he realizes that the room looks a _lot_  different than normal.

In addition to the usual array of band posters and The Last Unicorn, Legend of Zelda, and Lord of the Rings pictures, there are Mega-Man panels and Sailor Moon art on his walls as well. He can see Arin's Sailor Moon shirt hanging out of the dirty clothes hamper, and his favorite pink blanket is at the foot of the bed. Tiny Arin knickknacks litter the shelves, adding to the already cluttered bunch of stuff Dan owns. It... it looks like Arin _lives_  here. _In Dan's room._  He shakes his head and this time he does feel the pain bloom behind his eyes from the encroaching migraine.

He puts his glasses in their spot on the nightstand and notices that Arin's reading glasses are also on the nightstand.

What the actual fuck is going on?

Dan decides that he's had enough of whatever this weird fucking dream is, and he hopes that if he goes to sleep in the dream, he'll wake up in real life. It doesn't take long for him to get comfortable in the bed. Shamefully, he drags Arin's blanket up from the foot of the bed and holds it close. It smells like Arin, which has been a comforting smell to Dan for the past three years—minus Arin's array of _other_  smells that _no one_  would ever find comforting—and he quickly sinks into unconsciousness.

When he wakes, he can feel the comforting warmth of another body pressed against his. The fluffy pink blanket is now draped across him and the other person. He snuggles closer to the warmth. He feels the person begin to speak before he hears it, the vibrations of their voice rumbling through their chest.

"You know, if you wanted me to come snuggle you, you could have asked, Danny." Arin's voice is quiet, as he's trying to be wary of Dan's migraine. He softly brushes his fingers through Dan's wild hair, moving it away from his face so that it splays out on the pillow behind him. He presses a tender kiss to the sensitive spot behind Danny's ear, and he feels Dan's odd reaction—a mix of full-body tensing paired with a shaky inhale from the placement. "What's going on with you today, baby?"

Dan's migraine has mostly faded by now, but he thinks it might already be coming back. What does he tell Arin? _Oh, hey, I woke up in an alternate universe where we're apparently together and your wife is married to my roommate but it's no big deal!_ Dan fiddles with his fingers nervously while he tries to come up with an answer to Arin's question when he realizes he's wearing a ring that he doesn't recognize. He's taken to wearing rings more often, but never on his ring finger. _**Oh no.**_

Dan hopes that his voice won't shake when he speaks, but of course, he's not that lucky. "Arin," he says quietly, and he can feel his best friend tense behind him at the shake in his voice when he speaks, "did we get married?"

Dan can't see, but behind him Arin has furrowed his brow harshly, and a frown sits on his face. "Uh... yeah? Like, three years ago? What the fuck is going on with you?"

He doesn't know why, but he's suddenly smacked upside the head with a humongous wave of emotion and against his will, his shoulders start shaking and his breath comes in short gasps. Arin practically Spidermans his way over Dan so that he can be in front of him, and he tugs Dan into a sitting position. He cups Dan's sharp jaw in his hands and rubs his thumb slowly over his stubble.

"Baby, breathe with me, c'mon," Arin says in a soothing voice, as if he's had to help Dan through this many times in the past. Inside, Dan laughs at the complete fuckery of this situation. He's apparently landed himself in a parallel universe—and won't that make Mr. Theoretical Physicist _so_ happy?—and the alternate him is gay, married to Arin, and is apparently a fucking basket case as well! Great!

Arin brushes the wayward hair out of Dan's face and locks eyes with him. He can see the panic and confusion swirling within the warm depths and he wants to fix it desperately. "In, one, two, three," he coaches, glad when Dan follows his lead, "out, one, two, three." They repeat the process a few more times until Dan's breathing has evened out. He's still crying, but at this point the tears are just silently running down his face. 

Dan buries his face in Arin's shoulder and clutches his shirt so hard that he's probably stretching it, but he's afraid to let go. Arin has always been home to him, ever since they met. Arin was his sun, and he was trapped in a never-ending revolution around him. Even when he's this confused, Arin is a sense of stability and comfort.

"You know, that's probably the worst reaction I've ever gotten from telling somebody we're married," Arin says nonchalantly, and Dan snorts and whacks his arm. A smile works its way across Arin's face. "There's my kitten." He kisses the top of Dan's head and Dan can feel the blush creep up to the tips of his ears. He knows that he can't tell Arin the truth—he'd have him fuckin' institutionalized and Dan honestly wouldn't blame him.

Arin's hand is a warm weight on his back, anchoring him from spiraling into panic again. What's he going to do? He's _married to Arin_. No doubt the man is going to want to kiss him at some point, and probably... _other things_. Dan pretends that the wave of heat in his belly is indigestion and nothing more.

"You ready to tell me what's goin' on with you?" Arin's voice rumbles through his chest and Dan snuggles closer.

"I had a really vivid dream after I came to lie down, I guess," Dan says quietly, hoping that he's selling it. He's never been the greatest actor. "It just confused me a lot, is all." Arin is silent for a moment and Dan's sure that he's been caught, but Arin chuckles and kisses the top of Dan's head again.

"You're such a dangus sometimes, man," he says lovingly. Dan pulls back and looks him in the eyes.

"Words hurt, dude," Dan manages to say with a straight face before they both dissolve into a fit of giggles.

"Well, c'mon out to the kitchen so I can feed you and your dangus-y ways some dinner." Arin gets off the bed and heads to the kitchen and Dan huffs. "Come _on_ , danguslord!"

"I'm coming, shithead!"

Dan rubs at his temples before sliding out of bed and stretching. His joints crack and he sighs contentedly. For what it's worth, he considers that he could have ended up married to someone a lot worse, like... Ross. He shudders and pads into the kitchen, ready-but-not-really for his first meal as a married man.


	2. 2 - And If You Leave, With Only Ashes

 Dan finds Arin in the kitchen, pulling a baking sheet of dinosaur chicken nuggets and french fries out of the oven. He giggles at the absurdity of it all. He's a thirty seven year old grown-ass man, and he's being served chicken in the shape of dinosaurs. As he sits down, he briefly wonders who had the idea to buy the nuggets—Arin or Parallel Dan? After thinking about it for five whole seconds he decides it was probably a joint decision. 

Arin sets a plate down in front of Dan and Dan thinks his heart might actually rupture from sheer adoration. Dan's entire plate is stegosauruses. Again, he can feel tears prickling at the backs of his eyes and he pinches his thigh to hold them at bay. The emotional thing needs to stop ASAP, he decides. "Thank you, Arin," he says, his voice meeker than intended. Arin kisses his forehead before sitting down across from him and reaching for the barbeque sauce.

"I gotta make sure my snuggle man gets the stegosaurus love," Arin says with a smile on his face. Dan wrinkles his nose.

"Somehow that ended up sounding slightly sexual," he says before biting off one of the stego-nugget's spines.

"Dan, we've had this conversation before," Arin groans with fake exasperation. "You're not allowed to fuck the dinosaur!"

Dan bursts into a fit of giggles. "What if it's you in a dinosaur costume?" He stops short, his food halfway to his mouth. _Where the fuck had that come from?_ A sly grin spreads across Arin's face and his eyes glint with mischief. Dan represses the shudder that's threatening to ghost through him at the look in Arin's eyes.

"That can be arranged," he says coyly, and Dan groans in embarrassment. 

They lapse into a semi-comfortable silence for the majority of the meal. Dan is still on edge from the sexual direction the conversation had gone for a brief moment, but he's beginning to relax again. Arin clears his throat and Dan raises his eyebrows in a signal for him to continue.

"Make sure you have your guitar packed for tomorrow," he says, and Dan is immediately confused.

  
_I play guitar?_ he thinks, dumbfounded. In Not-Crazy-Land he can play the bass alright, but he never got around to learning the plain old guitar. _Fuck_. He knows he must look confused because Arin elaborates.

"We've got to watch Vy tomorrow and you promised her you'd play _Twinkle, Twinkle_ for her last time." 

If anything, the confusion increases. _Who is Vy? Why Twinkle, Twinkle? Who are we watching Vy for? WHAT IS GOING ON?_

"Oh," Dan says, nodding like he knows what the fuck is going on. "Sorry, I guess I just thought it was next week for some reason." Arin shakes his head with a fond smile on his face as he grabs the paper plates from dinner and puts them in the trash.

"Is the Alzheimer's already setting in, old man?" he teases, and Dan flips him the bird which sets Arin off in a loud cackle that warms Dan's soul. Arin's laugh is like a warm blanket that wraps around him, and if Dan had to guess what heaven sounded like, Arin's laugh would be it. He doesn't realize that he's staring at Arin with a goofy grin on his face until Arin's standing in front of him, tilting his chin up. "What're you grinning about, huh?"

"You," Dan answers easily. He wants to reach out and put his hands on Arin's hips, but he knows he shouldn't. Even if he's married to Arin in this universe, in the _real_  universe, he's married to Suzy and it's wrong for him to take advantage. 

"Oh, yeah?" Arin asks. His thumb is rubbing soothing circles on the skin of Dan's jaw. He wears a soft smile on his face. "What about me?"

Dan can feel his cheeks beginning to flush with blood again, and _goddammit why does he blush so easily in this world?_ This wasn't ever a big problem back home, but apparently this Dan can't control his fucking blood vessels. "Just how big of a snerdbergler you are," he lies, and Arin rolls his eyes and kisses the top of Dan's head for what feels like the eightieth time today.

"I'm gonna draw for a bit; you okay with chillin' by yourself for a while?" Arin asks as he heads over to what can only be his desk, seeing as it's surrounded by Sailor Moon and anime figurines.

"Yeah, no problem," Dan says while grabbing his laptop. While Arin draws, he's gonna work on figuring out just how the fuck to play _Twinkle, Twinkle._  

\-   -   -

He's almost got it figured out when Arin comes into the bedroom. Dan slams his laptop shut and Arin raises an eyebrow in question, but doesn't say anything, which Dan is incredibly grateful for. It's just past midnight, and the stress of the day is finally seeping into Dan's bones and he's _so_  ready for bed. He puts the guitar back in its case before he heads into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He takes as long as he can without overdoing it. He's nervous to get in bed with Arin. He knows that if Arin tries to initiate sex and he refuses, Arin will be an incredibly good sport about it but he doesn't want to have to deal with that so soon.

Dan strips off his Rush shirt and tosses it in the hamper, making a note in his head that he needs to do laundry tomorrow and he climbs into bed. There's enough room between him and Arin for another person to fit, and he silently hopes that Arin won't scoot closer to him, but the second the thought crosses his mind, Arin has tangled his legs with Dan's. He has his hair pulled back into a tiny bun and he looks so fucking _gorgeous_  in the dim light that's filtering in from the bathroom and he's looking at Dan the way that he usually looks at Suzy and Dan can't remember anybody ever looking at him like that before.

Arin runs his fingers along the angle of Dan's jaw, leaving Dan to try and remember how to breathe. By the time his body remembers how his lungs work, Arin is already leaning in and _oh God oh God oh God._

The first thing that Dan thinks about is how soft Arin's lips are. They fit perfectly against his, like puzzle pieces that were made for each other. He can feel Arin's beard against his skin and it feels really strange, but it's not inciting the panic that Dan always expected it would. Arin tastes like cinnamon toothpaste and when he tilts his head to bring the kiss deeper, it doesn't even cross Dan's mind to object. He could stay this way forever and it wouldn't bother him in the slightest.

When Arin pulls away, Dan is left panting, his eyes glazed. He's been kissing girls since he was fifteen, and he's kissed a _lot_  of them, but he has _never_  been kissed like that. Arin kisses him again, a brief brush of lips that makes Dan's toes tingle. "I love you," Arin tells him.

"I love you, too," Dan says, and he knows he means it, he just doesn't know if he means it the same way that Arin does. He turns over onto his other side and Arin spoons against his back and holds onto Dan's hand. A scratchy kiss is pressed to the back of Dan's neck before he hears Arin murmur goodnight. 

He lies awake for two more hours after Arin falls asleep.

\-   -   -

Sunlight trickles through Dans blinds and nails him directly in the cornea the moment he opens his eyes. He groans in annoyance and buries his face into the pillow for a few moments before he realizes there's something hard pressing against his back. Everything from the previous twenty four hours comes rushing back in a burst of color and _"what the fuck"_ and he realizes that Arin's morning wood is pressed against him.

His dick. Cock. Shlong. Meat sword.

Arins fucking _penis_ is hard and it's _touching him_. Oh God. Heat rolls through him and he's positive he looks like a fucking fire truck as he slips out of the bed, ignoring his own hard cock pressing uncomfortably against the seam of his boxers. Behind him, he hears Arin grumble at the loss of a body next to him and Dan prays he doesn't wake up. He makes it into the bathroom without incident and he turns on the shower, setting it to as cold as he can stand before climbing in. He yelps at the cool temperature but he quickly adapts.

  
While he waits for the water to fully saturate his hair (which he really needs to wash), he presses his forehead to the cool white tiles.

God, what has he gotten himself into? As Mr. Commitment-Makes-Me-Itchy, waking up _married_ is a huge fucking shock. Waking up married to his best friend—his best _male_ friend nonetheless—is like being full on electrocuted. He's got no idea what the universe is fucking playing at but he is not on board with the idea at all.

And that kiss last night? Dan shivers just thinking about it as he reaches for the shampoo, only realizing after its in his hair that its Arin's _Old Spice_ shampoo. Can he not even get a little peace while showering? He can't lie though, this particular scent of _Old Spice_ brings him comfort from the zillions of hours he's spent sitting next to Arin on the couch.

He feels like he's betraying Suzy's trust, even though he technically isn't doing anything wrong because she's married to Barry in this world, but he still holds the knowledge that in his world, the one that matters, Arin is married to Suzy and they've been together for nearly half their lives and he's intruding on that.

While he rinses his hair, he thinks, that's really the summary of it all, isn't it? That's why he's never... A loud sigh escapes him. That's why he's never acted on any of the things he wants from Arin that go farther than bros just bein bros. When he was young he had cheated and had been cheated on and he knew how fuckin selfish that shit was and how much it hurt. He could never, ever do that to Suzy, and as much as pretending to not want Arin hurt, he knew that doing such a thing to Suzy would hurt much more.

While he conditions his hair (which is one of the most fruitless endeavors he has, honestly) he shuts off his mind for a little while, just enjoying the beat of the water against his skin and the feel of his fingertips massaging his scalp. He wonders though whether this is the universe trying to give him a chance, to see what it's like to have Arin so that he can get it out of his system. If so, it's kind of awesome in an incredibly cruel way because he doesn't know if he can let go once he's had him.

\-   -   -

Arin comes stumbling into the bathroom just as Dan pulls on his boxers and he thuds over to the toilet before beginning to piss. Dan stands in shock for a moment before he remembers that " _oh, yeah, this is a thing that people who are together sometimes do_ " before he tugs the towel off of his head and slips into the bedroom to grab the hamper and drag it to the hallway so he can start the laundry. While he loads the washing machine, he can hear Arin plodding around in the bathroom, doing his morning routine.

Halfway through the hamper, Dan pulls out what appear to be a pair of women's panties, and he pauses. He glances between the bedroom door and the pair of pink, lacy underwear in his hand before reading the tag. They're Arin's size. Oh, sweet Jesus, have mercy. The image of Arin wearing them assaults his mind and he practically flings them into the washer and he continues to load it to try and keep his mind occupied. By the time Arin emerges from the bathroom looking less like a zombie and more like himself, Dan has managed to get his half-chub to go away. 

They head into the kitchen where Arin begins making breakfast, ordering Dan to sit down at the table and wait. Dan doesn't argue because he knows how fucking good Arin's eggs are, and if staying out of his way means he gets them faster then he's all for it. 

"So, what time do we have to watch Vy?" Dan asks, still completely unsure of who Vy is or what they're even doing.

"We should probably get there around three," Arin says while he whisks the eggs. "Barry told me that there's a movie showing at 3:45 for something Suzy really wanted to see." Dan nearly keels over with the information. Suzy and Barry have a kid? There's _no fucking way_. "Afterwards they're going out for dinner so he said they'd probably be back around nine or so." Dan has no idea how to respond because he's still reeling from the information, and he doesn't know how long they usually watch Vy for, so he can't really make a comment on the time that they're going to have to spend with her.

As Dan eats, he seems to realize that absolutely _everything_  is different in this world. He's _married_ , Barry and Suzy have a _kid_... What else is there that he doesn't know about?


	3. 3 - And Down the Road, With All the Seeds Grown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is largely dialogue, so sorry about that. I hope I kept everyone in character through their dialogue.
> 
> Also, the typos in certain people's dialogue is on purpose!

 During the car ride to Barry and Suzy's (which Dan doesn't think he'll _ever_ get used to saying) he's incredibly nervous. Arin seems to sense this and he intertwines his hand with Dan's and gives him a comforting squeeze. Dan appreciates the gesture and he squeezes back. He counts it as an achievement that casually holding hands with Arin doesn't make him want to fling himself out of the car.

He doesn't know why he's so nervous—he's great with kids, which isn't much of a surprise because in all honesty, he's a giant eight year old. He loves spending time with his nephews and he's never had any trouble dealing with them before.

After a second, a fear grips him deep in his chest. What if Nash and Carter don't exist in this world? What if _Dana_ doesn't?! Dan wrestles his phone out of his pocket and scrolls through his contacts and the majority of the tension in his body dissipates when he sees his sister's name. He selects her name, knowing that in the normal world, his picture for her is her sitting with her boys on a couch. Thankfully, the picture is the same. It feels really shitty to say but he knows he could manage to cope with his nephews not existing in this world, but his baby sister not existing would literally destroy him.

Arin pulls the car into the driveway of the house that he would normally share with Suzy and he parks the car behind Suzy's red Fiat. The flowers in the garden, the wrought iron fence, and the porch swing are the same, but now there's also a covered sandbox in the shape of a ladybug in the yard, along with a kiddie pool and several toys. Arin gives Dans hand one more squeeze before he gets out of the car and Dan follows suit.

Almost immediately after they open the front door, there's a loud shriek and the pitter patter of tiny feet coming at them. "Arry!" a voice cries and suddenly there's a small child attached to Arins leg. She's carrying a well-worn stuffed unicorn with her. Arin drops his stuff on the floor and picks the kid up.

"How's my Shy Vy?" The little girl grins and Dan can see that she's missing a front tooth. "Where'd your chomper go?"

"I pulleded it," she says matter-of-factly. Arin gasps dramatically.

"I didn't know you were a dentist!" Vy giggles and Dan thinks he's in love. She's so fucking precious.

"I'm not a dentitss!" she exclaims. Arin boops her on her tiny button nose and sets her back on the floor. She immediately turns to Dan and raises an eyebrow at him. She seems hesitant for a moment before she hugs one of his legs as well. "Hi Danny," she mumbles into his jeans.

Dan pats get head lightly and runs his fingers through her long, dark hair. "Hey, little lady."

Arin watches the semi-awkward exchange with interest before telling Dan that he's gonna go find Suzy, and he wanders off into the house. When Arins gone, Vy detaches from Dan and looks up at him with a serious look on her cherubic face. She looks so much like Suzy, but she's got Barry's hazel eyes.

"You're not my uncle Dan," she says. Dan's eyebrows raise in surprise. What the hell? He crouches down into a squatting position so he can be on equal ground with her. The joints in his knees make cracking sounds and he has the fleeting thought that he's too old for this shit.

"Of course I'm your Uncle Dan," he replies, suddenly mildly afraid of a four year old.

"Lying is bad, you know." She fixes him with what can only be described as "the stink eye" and he sighs.

"Okay, I'm not your Uncle Dan but you can't tell anybody, okay?" What on Earth is he doing? "Will you pinkie promise me that it'll stay between us?"

Vy rocks back and forth on her little feet for a moment. "You seem okay, and Arry seems to think you're okay," she says. "You hafta promise me something, too."

"What would that be?"

"You gotta promise you won't hurt Arry, and you gotta promise to learn about me and still play me Twinkle, Twinkle." Dan smiles. That's easy enough.

He holds out his pinkie finger and Vy wraps her tiny finger around it and they shake before saying "pinkie promise" together. Dan sits down on the couch and Vy scrambles up onto his lap. She begins telling him about her day and a few minutes into the thrilling tale about how Mimi fell off of her bed this morning, Suzy and Barry enter the living room with Arin trailing behind them.

Dan has to hold in a gasp when he sees Suzy. She's got a small baby bump underneath her dress and just as Dan always knew she would, she absolutely glows. "Hey there, hot shot," she says, dropping a kiss on his cheek. She wipes the lipgloss residue off of his skin before grabbing her purse from the coffee table. 

"Hey, Scuze," Dan replies with ease. It's so fucking strange to see Suzy pregnant when he knows that it's not Arin's baby. 

Suzy kisses her daughter's forehead and ruffles her hair, to which Vy protests and tries to smooth it back out. "You make sure you keep these two goons in check, boo," she says, and Dan gasps mockingly.

"Why, I never," he says in mock offense and Suzy rolls her eyes. 

"We'll be back around eight or nine," Barry tells them, opening the door for Suzy. "Don't burn down the house."

"Yes, Dad," all three of them chime. The door shuts behind Barry and Suzy and then it's just the three of them. 

Arin turns to Dan and Vy, who are still sitting on the couch. Vy is pulling lightly on Dan's curls, seeing how long they get when she pulls them straight before letting them bounce back into their unruly shape. "It's snack time so I'm gonna go whip up some grub." 

"Can I have apples?" Vy asks, excited.

"Your wish is my command," he replies, making a sweeping bow as he backs out of the living room. Dan giggles at Arin's theatrics. What a fucking dweeb.

Vy shifts in Dan's lap to look him in the face. For a four year old, she's quite intimidating, though Dan would never admit that out loud. He's thirty seven and he's kind of afraid of a four year old. It's not one of his proudest moments, if he's completely honest with himself.

"My full name is Violet Jean Kramer," she begins, and Dan nods, waiting for her to continue. "My birthday is June 15, and I'm almost five. I like marcaroni without the cheese sometimes and peanut butter and pickle sandwiches." Why is he not surprised that Barry and Suzy's child is an oddball? She holds up the stuffed unicorn that she's been holding onto the entire time. "This is Almathea," she says, though it comes out sounding like _Lalmateeuh_. Dan's heart swells with affection. "You got her for me when I was born." 

"May I see her?" Dan asks, and Vy hands him the toy. It used to be white but now it's faded out to a somewhat murky grey. All of the stuffing in its middle has been pushed to the head and feet, and Dan has no problem guessing where it is that she constantly holds onto. The unicorn's eyes are slightly chipped, showing that it's been dropped on what Dan can only presume was the cement. "She's very beautiful."

Vy's eyes light up and she grins, showing off the empty space in her teeth again. "Thank you." She takes the toy back from Dan just as Arin hollers that snack is served for her majesty. She scoots off of Dan's lap and hurries into the kitchen.

Now that he's alone, Dan leans his elbows on his knees and puts his head in his hands. It's so much to take in all at once and he's getting increasingly overwhelmed. Learning that he's married to Arin is enough to turn him on his head, but finding out that Barry and Suzy have a kid with another one on the way is just adding insult to injury. He can't deny that Vy is absolutely beautiful and precious as all hell, just like he knew any kid of Suzy's would be, but it's just _so much_. He can feel anxiety rising up in his chest and he tugs lightly at his hair to ground himself while he takes deep breaths. Arin's voice startles him and he jolts roughly.

Arin kneels down in front of him and untangles his fingers from his hair. "What's wrong, baby?" The pet name causes something in Dan's stomach to jolt pleasantly.

"Just a little anxious, that's all," he says quietly, embarrassed. He's had a handle on his anxiety for the most part for several years now, but since arriving in _what-the-fuckville_ , it's like his control never really existed. 

"Do you know why?" Arin rubs soothing circles over Dan's knee with his thumb and Dan's pretty sure that his touch shouldn't feel as warm as it does through his jeans.

Dan shakes his head 'no', though he hates lying. "Just one of those days I guess." 

Arin leans in and kisses him softly, and Dan's eyes flutter closed. It's just as amazing as it was last night, and his toes curl in his shoes. "Tell me if you need anything, okay? Why don't you turn on the TV and find a movie for us to all watch?" He agrees and Arin heads back into the kitchen to make sure Vy hasn't choked to death on her apple slices or something.

By the time Vy and Arin come back into the room, Dan has settled on _Finding Nemo_. Arin sits down next to him and Vy climbs in between them before curling up against Arin. Dan doesn't blame her—Arin is soft in all the right places while he's a bony motherfucker. He's used Arin as a pillow more times than he can count. Arin reaches across Vy and takes Dan's hand in his again. By the time they're halfway through the movie, Vy has fallen asleep. 

Dan watches her breathe, hit with a sudden awe that he remembers getting the first time that he held his nephew after he was born. This is a person, a person that came from someone he _knows_. She's beautiful, with a subtle slope to her tiny nose and perfect cupids bow lips. Her eyelashes are long and they cast shadows on her cherubic cheeks. Dan can feel the telltale prickle of tears and he scrubs at his eyes with the hand that's not occupied by Arin. When he turns his head, he notices Arin watching him with complete and total adoration, and that just makes him want to cry even more. 

"You okay?" Arin asks quietly. He detaches their hands and reaches up to run the backs of his fingers along Dan's cheek. He leans into the touch.

"Yeah, just a little overwhelmed." 

"I know that we've only really talked about it a few times, but you want kids, right?" Dan's breath hitches. He's already so old. If he were to have a kid now, by the time they're graduating he'll be almost sixty. He wants a kid, and he always has, but it feels like he's missed his chance.

"I... I mean, yeah," he finally says, "it's just that I'm almost forty, and it feels too late for me, you know?" Arin looks sad, and Dan immediately wishes he could take back what he said.

"Baby, forty isn't old. You still bounce around on stage like you're twenty, and you're young enough on the inside that even when you end up in a walker at some point you'll still be cracking dick jokes." Arin cups Dan's jaw, and Dan covers Arin's hand with his own. "I'm not going to push it on you, but I think you'd be a fucking fantastic father no matter how old or young you are." Dan surprises himself by turning his head to press a kiss to the palm of Arin's hand.

"Thank you," he murmurs quietly. He's quickly coming to the conclusion that he doesn't deserve Arin in this world or in the other one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also for anyone who thinks that a four year old couldn't act this way (cause I'm sure there's someone) this is 99% what I was like when I was four. :P
> 
> Fun fact: the first time I felt my niece kick i cried. I'm easily overwhelmed by the fact that people create babies and it wouldn't surprise me if it happens to Dan too, the emotional sap he is.


	4. 4 - I Don't Know Where I'm Going

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of backstory and also some emotional feelies.  
> Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and left kudos! It means a lot. ♥
> 
> Also, warning for a racial slur/racism in one sentence.

 

The rest of the night went off without a hitch. Violet woke up around six and requested macaroni, which Arin made from scratch, making sure to ask whether today was a cheese day or not. Luckily it was, and Arin didn't have to do anything extra, though Vy requested two slices of bread with mayo on them to go with her meal. Dan thought it was a little weird, but then again, he ate cottage cheese on English muffins and latkes and applesauce so who was he to judge?

After dinner Vy helped load the dishwasher before Arin and Dan took her upstairs for her bath. She had the bath time markers and she drew Dan and Arin holding hands and riding Almathea (who was supervising from the counter) on the wall. Dan played _Twinkle, Twinkle_ after the bath was over

When Suzy and Barry finally get home, Arin is reading Harry Potter to her. Dan is listening intently because he still has yet to read the books. She's almost asleep when Suzy pokes her head through the doorway.

"How's my munchkin?"

"I'm doing lovely, thank you,"  Arin quips, sliding the bookmark into its place and returning the book to the giraffe-shaped bookshelf. Suzy makes a _tsk_ ing sound at Arins dweebishness and sits down next to Vy on the bed. She looks up at her mom with heavy-lidded eyes.

"Hi, Mommy," she mumbles. "I missed you."

"I missed you too, sweet pea. Did you have fun today?" Vy nods and Suzy smooths her bangs back from her forehead so she can kiss it. "Do you want me to send Daddy in?" Vy mumbles again in what is apparently agreement. "Goodnight, sleep tight, have rainbow dreams and I'll see you in the morning. Love you."

They retreat from the bedroom and head downstairs where Barry has just finished changing the cat box. "After you finish that, Vy wants you to say goodnight even though I'm pretty sure she's already asleep."

"Gotcha."

Suzy turns to them, a tired smile on her face. "Was she good for you guys?"

"An angel as always," Arin assures her. Suzy sighs, relieved.

"She's been a little defiant lately," Suzy explains. "I'm glad that she wasn't an ass today."

Dan chuckles quietly. "Even if she was, we're the two biggest assholes on the planet so we would've won anyhow." Suzy rolls her eyes and pulls them each in for a hug and a kiss on the cheek. After Barry comes downstairs and they bid him farewell, they head back to their own house. The ride is quiet, and again, Arin holds Dan's hand.

Arin heads for the shower when they get home while Dan takes the time to look around the bedroom and see just what is different. The shelf that has always held his nerdy fantasy stuff like dragon and unicorn statuettes and his old Magic decks now also holds some of Arin's favorite Sailor Moon, Zelda, and Megaman figurines. All of his Giants memorabilia and football helmets are in Barry's old room along with Arin's other collectables.

His bookshelf looks the same for the most part, though now there's also manga on the shelf as well. At the bottom, he spots what looks like a photo album that looks unfamiliar, and he slides it from between two other books. The front says nothing on it, but when Dan opens it he sees that it's an album of him and Arin. As he slowly flips through, he sees pictures that must have been taken on their phones and then printed out on photo paper. He remembers some of these.

There are two from a few days after the day that they met, when they went to the karaoke bar. He trails his fingertip over the image. His hair was so short! He silently thanks his other self for writing the date of each picture underneath it. He flips through more that he recognizes until he gets to one of him, Ross, Arin, Barry, and Suzy. The caption reads "The day Dan became Not-So-Grump." He smiles at the fond memory.

He was so scared that the fans would hate him and reject him and he'd lose this beautiful opportunity. There had been some resistance, of course, especially since there was no grace period between him joining and Jon leaving. Arin and Jon had uploaded the fifth episode of Star Wars and then the next day, Dan's first episode was up.

Arin had been there for him then, too. He assured Dan that he would be loved, but it might take some time. When the first hate comments had come in, some of them were really bad and racial in nature, which didn't generally cause him problems but when it's hundreds upon hundreds of people calling him a kyke and saying his ancestors should've died in the Holocaust, it hurt. Arin had taken him out for sushi and green tea ice cream to help cheer him up. Arin promised that people would come around, and he had been right.

He flips the page and comes across pictures he doesn't recognize. Ones taken from behind by one of their friends where they're walking so close together that their arms are overlapping each other, and ones from backstage at cons where they're looking at each other like no one else exists around them. On the next page, Dan is met with a photo he didn't expect to see.

It's their first kiss. For some reason he had expected their first kiss to happen during Grumping, since that's when the gay jokes get wildest and emotions run high. The caption reads "First kiss (finally!) Barry and Suzy's barbecue, November 14, 2013". The Dan in the photo is holding a bottle of beer, which is incredibly surprising since he himself hasn't had a drink since mid 2012. There's a tiny arrow on the page pointing to the bottle in his hand with a blurb of "liquid courage". Dan giggles and turns the page.

All the air rushes out of his chest. It's a picture of him and Arin in what can only be a wedding chapel. Arin's got a bouquet of white lilies with a goddamn Sailor Moon scepter stuck in the middle of it. Dan can't help it—he bursts out laughing. From what he can see of the shirt Arin's wearing under his jacket, it's his Sailor Jupiter shirt. It also appears that Arin is wearing one of Suzy's headbands. Jesus Christ. Dan's wearing his leather jacket and a blue tee shirt. They're wearing grins that look as if they might split their faces and they're holding up their hands to show off matching silver wedding bands. The date reads, "December 16, 2013".

Well they had sure moved fast.

The next pages have pictures of what was the honeymoon, including one of himself that is very obviously taken after a good, hard fuck. Dan pinches the bridge of his nose. Dammit Arin.

The bathroom door opens and Arin enters in nothing but his boxer briefs. Dan has seen Arin in his skivvies before but now that he's allowed to look, he can't keep his eyes off of him. His eyes trail over Arin's soft stomach and the dark line of hair that leads down past the waistband of his underwear. And his fucking thighs, _Jesus Christ_. Thick thighs have always been a weakness of Dan's and Arin's are perfect. The clearing of a throat makes him look up and he sees that Arin is leaning against the doorway with a grin on his face that makes Dan's toes curl.

"Enjoying yourself?" Arin asks, amusement evident in his tone.

"Kind of hard not to," Dan admits and closes the photo album on his lap. He slides it back into the bookshelf before tugging open the top drawer of the bureau so he can find a pair of boxers. When he passes Arin, the younger man smacks his ass and he yelps. " _Arin_!"

Arin just chuckles and climbs into bed. When Dan gets back from brushing his teeth and pulling his hair back into a more manageable, poofy bun on the back of his head, Arin is waiting with the covers bunched down near his ankles. Immediately, Dan is nervous. If he could sweat, he would be.

What if Arin wants to have sex? He doesn't know how often they usually have sex and he doesn't know what Arin wants from him in this context. Normally he's so attuned to Arin that he knows what he's thinking about (mostly, because face it, Arins brain is fucking weird) and what his emotions are and what his expectation is, but this is brand new territory. Slowly, Dan climbs into bed. He can at least handle some making out, right? Maybe that's all Arin wants.

Arin pulls Dan close and leans in to nibble on his ear. Heat sweeps through Dan's body at the motion and he bites down on his lip. Warm, damp kisses are trailed across his jaw before Arins lips meet his. Embarrassment washes over him when he whines into the kiss. He can taste Arin's smile against his mouth and his minty toothpaste. He's not sure when he tangled his fingers in Arin's soft hair, but he slides the silky strands through his fingers. A harsh bite from Arin on his bottom lip draws forth a moan and Arin licks into Dan's mouth.

It's fucking intoxicating and Dans brain goes hazy. He hasn't felt this way when kissing someone since Rachel, who inspired several of the songs on the Skyhill album. It's been nearly ten fucking years since he's felt this and it's fucking overwhelming. He regretfully pulls away from Arin and exhales shakily.

He's in love with Arin. Oh, God, he's in _love with Arin._

He only realizes he's crying when Arin wipes some of the tears away with his fingers. "Baby?" he asks carefully, worried that he might upset his husband further. Dan shakes his head and buries his face against Arin's chest. It only takes one sob before the dam breaks. Arin makes soothing shushing noises while he rocks Dan back and forth and traces the knobs of his spine.

"I'm sorry," Dan mumbles against Arin's damp skin. He's always been an emotional dude and he's not ashamed of it, but bursting into tears because of a fucking kiss is super embarrassing.

"Have you been taking your meds, Dan?" Arin asks once the sobs deplete into quiet sniffles. Dan looks up at him, confused. Pills?

He knows that if he asks 'what pills' Arin will definitely know something is wrong, so he improvises. "Did we get the refill picked up?"

Arin nods. "I picked them up two days ago. The bottle has been sitting on the microwave."

"I forgot," Danny says quietly. "I'll go take them now, okay?" He kisses Arin before getting out of bed and heading to the kitchen. On top of the microwave sits an innocent orange pharmacy bottle. Dan stares at it for a long moment before he picks it up, worried about what he'll find.

**************LEIGH DANIEL AVIDAN  -  DR. RYAN COLLINS**  
**** ******** **827592-9450**  
  
**Take one tablet by mouth at bedtime.**  
  
**BUSPIRONE 20mg**  
  
He's on anxiety medication. The hand that's holding the bottle begins to shake, causing the pills to rattle noisily. The him that's _usually_ in this world apparently never got over his anxiety fully, and its impacting _him_ now. The depression apparently hasn't come back, or he'd be on something more than this, but seeing physical evidence that he couldn't stay off of medication to control his stupid issues is like being punched in the stomach.

Slowly, he opens the bottle and taps one of the pills into his hand. He turns on the kitchen faucet and ducks his head to fill his mouth with water. He knocks back the medication and heads back into the bedroom.

"You okay now?" Arin asks, concerned. Dan nods and Arin pats the bed next to him. He climbs in and snuggles close, resting his ear over Arin's heart.

"I love you," Dan says into the quiet of the room. His long fingers trace nonsense patterns on Arins soft tummy; the light hair on it tickles his fingertips.

"I love you too, Leigh," Arin murmurs, and Dan's heart skips a beat. He's never actually ever heard Arin call him by his first name before. Past lovers hadn't ever called him Leigh. This feels special, like its something just for them.

Dan kisses Arin's chest and closes his eyes, and eventually the rhythmic thud of his heart lulls him to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For their elopement, Arin's shirt is the something old, Arin's Sailor Moon scepter is something new (though he did try and tell Dan that HE was the something old and Dan had thrown a donut at his head), Dan's shirt is the something blue, and the headband Arin is wearing is the something borrowed.
> 
> Also, the way this works is that Dan's consciousness is the only thing that's in this world. So for example, if Parallel Dan had had his hand amputated or something, Dan would too when he's in this world because it's not HIS body, technically.


	5. 5 - I Can't Be That Far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little warning for content that can seem a little... sexual assault-y, I guess? I don't know how to explain it, but it's basically the feeling of "I'm EXPECTED to give this person sex so I should and I feel like I'm a terrible person if I don't even though I don't want to". Just a heads up.

"Hey, buttfuckers," Arin says to the mic and Dan lapses into giggles.  
  
"Arin!"  
  
"What? Maybe they like to fuck butts. I don't judge," he says. They're starting their first Grump session since Dan came to _what-the-shit-topia_. "My legs are still sore from your bony fucking ass." Before they had started Dan was in Arin's lap until Arin had complained that his pelvis was drilling through his thighs, and Dan had wiggled back and forth roughly so he could hear Arin bitch.  
  
"Yeah, well now I gotta deal with you using me as a lawn chair so shut up," Dan teases. He's got his legs spread and Arin is resting with his back against Dans chest.  
  
"I will fart on you," Arin threatens.  
  
"I will divorce you for emotional damages you garbage machine." Arin gasps dramatically. Dan giggles and kisses the top of Arins head.  
  
That morning Dan had watched some of their videos so that he knew some background so he wouldn't fuck anything up. Luckily, they were in the same place in their Zelda play through in both universes so he wouldn't be any more lost than he already was. In their live action videos, there had been their marriage announcement and when Dan had watched it, he had watched the other Dan's face intently. The look of sheer adoration and love for Arin had blown him away because he had seen that look on his face before in videos. Just how long had he been in love with Arin without realizing it?  
  
"What are you doing to my hair?" Arin asks while he runs Link around in a temple that Dan doesn't know the name of.  
  
"Braiding it," Dan tells him.  
  
"What kind of braid are you doing this time?" Well, at least this is apparently normal behavior for him.  
  
"French," Dan says with a terrible accent.  
  
"You haven't done that one before." Arin tilts his head back a bit so he can look at his husband.  
  
"I forgot that I could do it," he admits sheepishly. "Dana taught me so I could braid her hair when Debbie and Avi were too busy to fiddle with her hair."  
  
"Did she ever braid your beastly mane?"  
  
"...She tried." Dan rakes his fingers through the braid to undo it before starting on a fishtail braid. "What she couldn't get into the braid—which was most of it, I would like to add—she put in tiny pony tail holders and I looked like a fuckin' sea barnacle." Arin cackles, causing Dan's body to shake along with him, which in turn makes him also burst into giggles.

"Please, _please_ tell me there are pictures of this incident."

"You're outta luck, Big Cat." Arin whines sadly and Dan giggles again. "When we get home you can turn me into a sea barnacle if you want."

"Baby, I see your barnacle every day." Dan makes a choked noise and whacks Arin's arm. God, he's such a doofus.

 

\-   -   -

 

They get back home around midnight, and Dan is exhausted. He will never understand how he gets so damn tired from sitting on a couch and playing video games, but it wears him out every time. He brushes his teeth, takes his meds, and crawls into bed before Arin finishes his shower, and he's just starting to reach the period where he can quickly drift off to sleep when Arin slides between the sheets. 

Arin brushes a piece of hair out of Danny's face before kissing him. Slowly, Dan is learning to regulate his panic reflex when Arin kisses him. It starts in his chest and spreads out to his fingers still, but he's figured out how to relax and not make it seem like he's freaked out while kissing a man that's supposed to be his husband. When Arin bites down on his bottom lip, he gasps, which allows Arin to slide his tongue past his lips and into his mouth. A moan escapes his lips, one that he didn't even know he was capable of, and Arin makes a noise in return. 

Dan is waiting for the surge of unstoppable panic over the fact that he's French kissing a dude, but it's not coming. Instead, he's pressing closer to Arin and sucking on his tongue, relishing in the deep groan that emanates from his chest. A tiny jolt tugs behind his navel when Arin's erection presses against his thigh, but it's a good jolt. With a start, he realizes that he's  _proud_ that he's the reason Arin is hard.

They part for air, and while Dan is breathing heavily in an attempt to return oxygen to his brain, Arin kisses down over his sharp jaw and nips at the spot just underneath his ear. Dan whines in the back of his throat. Arin continues to shower his neck with wet, open-mouthed kisses and Dan is all for it, making quiet, musical sounds as his skin is darkened with hickeys.

When Arin reaches for the waistband of his boxers, however, everything grinds to a quick halt.

"Arin, stop," Dan says, trying to keep the shake out of his voice. He's enjoying himself, but... but he can't. It's too much. Arin immediately scoots back, taking his hands off of Dan's body. Their only contact is where their feet are touching. Dan feels a huge surge of affection for Arin because of his response, and he'd lean in and kiss him if he knew it wouldn't cause some serious fucking mixed signals.

"What's wrong?" Arin sounds concerned, and Dan imagines he probably  _is_ very concerned. Dan is an incredibly horny and sexual person, so when he asks to stop, something has to be wrong.

"I just..." What's he supposed to say?  _Oh, I've only actually been here for three days or so, not the three plus years we've been together and I'm not used to the fact that we're married and that I'm probably supposed to fuck you at some point. I've only just realized I'm actually in love with the **normal** Arin and now I'm supposed to make out with and bang you, too. I've never even kissed a guy until three days ago and I'm kind of losing my mind! _ Yeah,  **fuck that**. "I can't tonight," he says quietly. He wraps his arms tight around himself. He knows that Arin wants this, and he hates himself for not being able to give it to him. He's supposed to be able to do this for the man that's his husband in this world and he can't. He can't give him what he deserves and wants and it  _hurts_. He's sure he's hurting Arin, making him think that maybe something is wrong with  _him_ , but there isn't. It's Dan that's wrong.

"Hey, hey, hey," Arin says softly while slowly reaching out towards Dan, giving him the chance to protest the touch if need be. He cups Dan's face and strokes his temple with his thumb. "It's okay if you're not into it right now, baby." That stupid fucking urge to cry is back and Dan wants to punch something. 

"Are you sure?" he asks, quiet enough that Arin almost doesn't catch it.

"Leigh Daniel," Arin begins, and Dan's heart does a weird flippy thing inside of his chest. "We  _never_ have to do anything you're uncomfortable with. Even if we've done it a hundred times beforehand, if you're not into it, it's not happening, okay?" Dan nods minutely and presses his forehead against Arin's chest. "Is everything okay?"

"Just got overwhelmed," he mumbles. Again, he can hear Arin's heartbeat, and it's calming as all fuck. Arin smells like Old Spice, a little bit of BO, and the musky smell that is just  _Arin_. He kisses Arin's chest lightly. "I love you." 

Arin holds him tighter and kisses the top of his head. "I love you, too."

Dan thinks that that's all that really matters right now.

 


	6. 6 - From Where Your Heart is Flowing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little odd, I think? It's more filler than anything else, but it's semi-important filler.
> 
> There's some body conscious talk in this, and also some sexual things. 8)

 

Dan stops counting the days that he's in Crazy-ville when day thirty rolls on past. Since then, another month and a half has passed. He's starting to believe that he's never going to go back to the normal world, and so he's resigned himself to accept where he is and his situation as normality. Aside from being married to Arin, things are actually pretty normal. Brian is still an asshole, Ross is still annoying, and they're still busy as shit all the goddamn time. They've just finished their Game Grumps Live stuff for the time being, and Dan and Arin had decided before they left to spend a few days at Dan's parents' house.

It's around noon and Arin is still asleep upstairs in Dan's old bedroom, which has now been turned into the guest room. They hadn't gotten to Westfield until about two in the morning, and Arin had passed out almost immediately.

Dan shuffles down the stairs and into the living room where his mom is watching television on the couch. When she notices her still half asleep son standing by the banister, rubbing his eyes, she smiles. "Hey, sweetheart. I didn't expect you to rouse for another few hours."

Without any grace, Dan rolls himself over the back of the couch and settles his head on his mom's legs. He groans loudly. "I'm too old for this, Debbie." She brushes Dan's wild curls back off of his forehead and he leans into her touch. He hasn't snuggled with his mom like this for a good fifteen years and suddenly he can't remember why he ever stopped. "I was up way past my bedtime."

"If you're too old for this what does that make me?" Debbie asks wryly, and Dan mutters something quietly against her leg.

"Too precious for this world?" he tries, and in reply he gets a light tap on the back of his head for being a smartass. "It was worth a shot."

They're silent for around ten minutes before Dan voices a concern he has. "Are you and Avi okay with Arin and I sleeping in the same bed for the few days we're here?" He can feel her eyes drilling into his head and he wishes he had kept quiet. He doesn't know how Debbie and Avi feel about the fact that he married a man, but he can assume that since he's still welcome in their house and it seems as if nothing changed that they're fine with it, but he feels so out of the goddamn loop.

"Honey, you know we have no problem with Arin. We loved Arin before you two got together and we love him more even now." Dan nods minutely, slightly ashamed that he would think them capable of anything but. "As long as you two don't start making nookie, it's fine."

"Mom, oh God, why?" Dan cries, covering his ear. "Did you really just refer to sex as 'nookie'?"

"Is that not what the kids say these days?" He can tell by her tone that she's completely having him on but _oh my God_.

"Debbie, I don't think anyone has referred to it as 'nookie' since Limp Bizkit was popular. So... never."

There's a creak on the stairs and a voice chimes in. "Is that hating on the Limp Bizkit I hear?" Dan sits up and finds Arin leaning against the banister with a sleepy grin on his face. "Don't be hating on the Durst for doin' it all for the nookie."

"See, Arin knows what I'm talking about!" Dan groans dramatically and heaves himself off the couch and heads into the kitchen to find something to eat. By the time he's got everything out of the fridge to make a sandwich, Arin enters the kitchen as well and wraps his arms around Dan's waist from behind.

He relaxes back against Arin and puts his hands over his. He can feel the cool metal of Arin's wedding ring against his palm and it's still really weird that he's wearing the mate to it on his own hand. "Hey," Dan says quietly. Arin tucks his face into the juncture of Dan's neck and shoulder; his breath is warm and it tickles.

"I love you," Arin mumbles against Dan's skin, and Danny swears he can feel the words traveling over the expanse of his skin and tattooing themselves there. Arin tells him he loves him quite often in the real world, but Danny knows that, while Arin does love him with his whole heart, it's not _that_ kind of love. When—and if—he gets back to his normal timeline, he never wants to forget what it feels like to know that Arin loves him in every way possible.

"I love you, too, Big Cat," Dan replies, and he giggles at the resulting tickle when Arin smiles against his neck. "Do you want me to make you a sandwich?" Arin pulls away from Dan and sits down at the table.

"Nah. Not hungry yet, but thank you, kitten."

Heat rushes to Dan's cheeks and he ducks his head, embarrassed. He's still not used to Arin using nicknames in a non-joking manner; he's not used to the weird flutter that happens in his stomach every time, either. Once he finishes making his lunch, he turns around to find Arin watching him intently, leaning with his head propped on one hand.

"What?" Dan asks, startled. He looks around and then back to Arin. "Did I forget to put something back in the fridge?"

"No," Arin tells him. He carefully sits down, kind of weirded out by Arin's staring.

"Is there something in my teeth?" he tries. Arin smiles and shakes his head 'no'. "Then what? You're givin' me the heebie jeebies, man." Arin's smile widens into a toothy grin and Dan can't help the smile that grows across his own face.

"You're just so beautiful," Arin says, and Dan giggles.

"I was just making a sandwich, bro!"

"You're the most beautifulest sandwich maker ever, though."

" _A-A-Arin_ ," Dan whines, embarrassed again. There's a moment of silence that's then broken by Debbie shouting from the living room,

"You better not be making nookie on my table! We eat there!"

" _Oh my, God_."

 

\-   -   -

 

 

Dan turns off the water in the shower and stands there for a moment while he wrings the water out of his hair. He and Arin got back from Jersey that morning and had promptly crashed for a good seven hours. Dan slips on a pair of clean boxers and one of Arin's Sailor Moon shirts before heading out to the kitchen for something to drink. Halfway down the hall, however, he hears Arin on the phone. He doesn't plan on listening in, but when he hears his name, he stops, curious.

"Danny's been acting really odd lately," Arin says. "I dunno how to explain it, Suze." Dan's heart speeds up slightly. He doesn't like where this conversation is going. "He's just... weirdly distant? We also haven't fucked in like, three months or something." On the other side of the line, Suzy's voice raises so much that Dan can almost make out what she's saying. "No, no, Suze—stop. He's _not_  cheating on me, I assure you."

A cold wash of dread washes through Danny. His emotional alternate reality baggage is fucking everything up. He's hurting Arin because he can't get over his stupid bullshit problems, and that's the last thing he ever wants to do. In the living room, Arin's voice gets a little quieter and his next words break Dan's heart.

"I'm wondering if it's me," Arin tells Suzy. "With all the shit we've been doing like, I don't have time to really go to the gym like normal or make a good, healthy meal. I've kinda been stuck with just grabbing shit from Wendy's or a power bar or something, and I've put on a couple pounds..." It's silent while Suzy responds to Arin, and Dan waits with bated breath to hear what he has to say. "I mean, I wouldn't blame him if he's put off by my fat. You can't help what you are and aren't into."

Dan startles when Arin cackles. He definitely had not expected Arin to start laughing.

"Yes, like how I'm not into the puss. Are you _ever_ going to let that go? Your vagina was scary, alright?" Dan rolls his eyes and quietly makes his way into the kitchen to grab the drink that he originally planned on getting five minutes ago. 

Dan hops up onto the kitchen counter and pulls open the browser on his phone. Maybe part of the reason he's so afraid of gay sex is that he's not really aware of how it all works? Like, he knows that dick goes into butt, but he's never had anal sex so he doesn't really know the specifics of it. Porn is definitely not the way to learn how to have anal sex. He takes a huge gulp of his water while trying to work up the courage to Google and nearly chokes on it. He'll never admit it, but his hands are shaking as he types 'how to have gay sex' into the search bar. The fourth result is blunt as hell. **How to get fucked.** Dan wants to close the browser immediately but he can't bring himself to. He needs to do this. For Arin.

He clicks on a result and actually _does_  choke on his water when he sees what the url actually says. **How to Bottom Without Pain or Stains**. In the middle of his coughing, Arin enters the kitchen and Dan quickly closes the internet on his phone and turns it off. 

"You okay over there?" Arin asks while he digs in the fridge. He pulls out a bag of carrots and fishes one out before popping it into his mouth. "Did you forget how to use basic motor functions again?" Dan sticks out his tongue and flips Arin the bird before sliding off of the counter and stretching. 

"I'm gonna go read for a bit, okay?" Arin nods and Dan kisses his cheek before leaving, since Arin's mouth is full of carrot.

Once he's safely in the bedroom, Dan pulls out his phone again and hides it safely behind a book so that it _looks_  like he's reading, just in case Arin comes into the room. He scrolls through the page he's found, and is surprised by how non-sexual it actually is. He's learning about the anatomy of the booty, which is not something he expected to find when he Googled this. He can't really explain why, but he has this gut feeling that he bottoms quite a bit in their relationship, though he can _definitely_  imagine Arin loving to bottom. That thought makes Dan's cheeks heat up and he clenches his thighs together as a rush of arousal washes over him. He pauses in his educational endeavor for a moment and allows himself to imagine what Arin would be like.

When he closes his eyes he can imagine Arin on his knees, looking back over his shoulder at Danny as he sinks two fingers deep into him, moaning and begging for Danny to just fuck him already. He has to bite down on his knuckles to quiet the groan that's threatening to escape and he squeezes his thighs together again. _Fuck_. 

After a few deep breaths to calm down, Dan picks his phone back up and continues reading. One of the points on the page mentions getting over emotional blocks (such as feeling like taking it up the ass makes you less of a man) and Dan perks up. That's only _part_  of his problem—the other half is that it sounds kinda gross and like it hurts a _lot_. 

He reads for roughly thirty minutes before closing down his internet and clearing the history on it. Carefully, he begins searching through drawers, feeling like he's doing something wrong even though this is _his_  room in _his_  house. He finally finds the sex toy drawer, and he counts his lucky stars that there's a small dildo amidst all of the other toys, some even bigger than his own cock. He stares at them in a mixture of amazement and horror for a moment before closing the drawer again.

He's decided that next time he showers he'll try out the small dildo. He's absolutely fucking terrified, but he's also a little bit excited, too. He's not entirely sure how to feel about that.


	7. 7 - I Can't Know Where to Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 97% porn. Woops.

Arin kisses Dan softly on the lips before heading out the front door. He's going grocery shopping and then stopping by Ross and Holly's to check out something Ross wanted to show him for Gameoverse. Dan waits for five minutes after Arin leaves before getting up and heading to the bathroom. He's going to take a bath to relax before he tries shoving a dildo in his ass.  
  
The bathroom is filled with the loud rumble of rushing water while Dan waits perched on the side of the tub, stark naked. He's got the water as hot as he can stand it and he added a bit of the lavender bath salts that he's got, too. Once the tub is full he sinks in up to his armpits and groans, sounding nearly pornographic. God, baths feel so fucking good. It's been way too long since he's had one.  
  
He hums through the entirety of 'Fly By Night' before he's completely relaxed, though he knows that won't last very long. Every deep breath he takes floods his senses with lavender and it helps him stay relaxed when he reaches down and palms his soft cock. He works his hand over his length, biting down on his lip and groaning quietly, breaking the silence of the bathroom.  
  
The most he's ever done regarding assplay is rubbing his perineum. It feels damn good, so he starts with that, first rolling his balls between his fingers, squeezing them just enough to make his toes curl. He strokes his finger over his taint, applying pressure and making little circles. His hips jerk and the water sloshes a bit around him.  
  
Dan is very grateful that his bathtub has a graduated slope for resting against because it makes it easier for him to lift one gangly leg and prop it on the side of the tub. He stares for a moment at his wet, bony foot (which is already getting cold) and briefly wonders what the fuck his life has come to before reaching between his legs and rubbing his index finger over the furrowed skin of his hole.  
  
He jolts and the water sloshes again. It feels...odd. Not terrible, but it's weird. He continues the small, circular motions, applying a bit more pressure the longer he does so. There's a slight tingling in his toes and he's not sure whether that's from him touching himself or his feet going numb from the weird position he's in.  
  
After several deep breaths, he pushes his finger harder, gasping when he breaches the first ring of muscle. Immediately, his body clenches around the intrusion and he wiggles back and forth. It's...still weird, but the clenching is causing some faint but pleasurable waves to go through his body. Slowly, he continues pushing, finally making it into the first knuckle. He's vaguely aware that he's shaking.  
  
It's not terrible, but its also not fantastic. It's incredibly _intense_ , however. Around his finger, he's so fucking tight and he's got no goddamn clue how anybody could fit their cock inside of this. On the other end, there's a helluva lot of pressure and he already feels weirdly full, and he can't decide whether he likes it or not.  
  
Still breathing deeply, Dan works on thrusting his finger, going slightly deeper each time until his hand is pressed against the backs of his thighs. He whimpers through clenched teeth. It's a sensation unlike anything he's ever felt before and it's almost crazily overwhelming. Lavender fills his senses and he reminds himself to relax, which is a little hard since his hip is starting to cramp a bit from the weird angle.  
  
Eventually he gets the courage to curve his fingers, and after half a minute of searching his body jolts like it has been struck with a live wire. Holy shit. He repeats the motion again and groans deep in his throat. Fuck, that's good. It's almost like the pleasure you get as you cum. He thrusts his finger a little bit faster, keeping his finger curved and managing to graze his prostate every few strokes.  
  
When the cramp in his leg gets to be too much he withdraws his finger. He can feel the blush creep up his cheeks when he feels his hole clench around the sudden absence. Dan drains the tub quickly and dries off before going back into the bedroom. He spreads the damp towel on the bed before checking the time. He still has about an hour before Arin said he'd be home.  
  
The toy drawer opens loudly in the silence of the room and he winces, even though he's alone and there's no one to hear him. Dan reaches for the small dildo he had found yesterday; it's blue and maybe five inches long. The widest part looks to be about the same size around as Dan's middle finger, and the size increases in little bulbs. However, a sleek, smooth thing that looks a bit like something he had seen in the MET once catches his eye. He had seen them before when going to sex shops for Ninja Sex Party stuff. It's a prostate massager. Its shape kind of reminds him of a wishbone.

Dan grabs the lube and lies down on the towel, considering for a moment before deciding that he'll probably have more maneuverability on his side. He pulls his left leg up so his knee is close to his chest and slicks his fingers with lube. He slides one finger in and thrusts a few times before pressing in a second one. The stretch burns and he has to pause to take some deep breaths before moving his fingers.  
  
He moans quietly when the burn begins to morph into a dull pleasure. The tips of his fingers nudge his prostate again and he rolls his hips against his hand. An incredibly embarrassing whine pulls from his throat when he removes his fingers; he already misses the sensation of being full. After coating the toy in what is probably more lube than necessary, Danny presses the tip against his hole and begins to work it in. It's bigger than his fingers and the burn begins again, but once it's past the largest part, it slides in smoothly.  
  
The other half rests snugly against his taint, pressing against his prostate from the outside as well. It's a weird feeling, having something pressed that perfectly to the prostate. Dan's pretty sure he can feel it in his bladder and that's one hell of a weird sensation. He feels oddly warm and incredibly full, though in the back of his mind he knows that Arin could make him feel even more stuffed, and it's a beautiful fucking mental image. He reaches down and wiggles the massager and cries out into the stillness of the room.  
  
He continues slightly shifting the massager and he's pretty sure his brain has shorted out. Everything is sensation and pressure and warmth and _ohfuckyes_. He's fully aware that he's heading towards his orgasm but it feels unlike anything he's ever had before. Usually the pre-orgasmic feeling comes from the spot right behind his balls, but this time it's coming from his pelvis, right near his bladder. It almost feels like he's going to piss himself but he's pretty damn positive that his bladder is empty.   
  
He's moaning like a fucking pornstar and he gives no fucks at this point because _JesustittyfuckingChrist_  it's so _intense_. Suddenly, the feeling of needing to piss increases, and within the next ten seconds he's coming harder than he even knew was possible. His dick is twitching hard against his stomach as spurt after spurt of cum erupts, a large majority of it hitting his chin and lips. Through the full body convulsions, he tugs the toy out of his ass because he keeps clenching which nudges it into his prostate even more and it's too much stimulation for him to even be able to process right now.  
  
It's like he's having thirty orgasms at once and he feels like he can't breathe but it's incredible. Somewhere in the back of his head he can hear himself crying out through the ringing in his ears. Once he had told Arin that when he made love and climaxed with someone he felt like he was connected to the universe, but this... It feels like every atom of his body has been blown apart and put back together again.  
  
The aftershocks last at least five minutes and when he feels like he can move again he wipes the jizz off his skin, which sends flames of pleasure across him again because he's so sensitive. He's got no idea how he managed to clean the toy and put everything away but somehow he manages and collapses on the sheets, stark naked.  
  
He's had afterglow before, but this time he feels like he's lit up like the Times Square Christmas tree.

 

\-   -   -

  
  
Arin finds Dan in that exact position two hours later, though he has since fallen asleep. He leans against the door frame and watches his husband breathe with a contented smile on his face. His hair is in a wild disarray, covering most of his features. His back is at a curve that makes Arin want to get out a paintbrush. He could draw him in one long line, all curves and edges, beautiful and ethereal. It's been a while since he's seen Dan completely nude and he's always blown away by how beautiful he actually is. Despite how awkward Dan is, being all elbows and knees, he's also graceful and fluid and fucking angelic. And, for a man who claims he has no moles, he has three adorable moles along his spine that Arin calls his Orion's Belt. Arin shucks his tank top and cargo shorts, leaving him in his briefs before he climbs in next to Dan.  
  
Dan's eyes flutter open as Arin settles into place, and when his eyes meet Arin's, he smiles sleepily. "Hey, baby," Dan mumbles. He lazily reaches up and cups Arin's face, stroking over his cheek with his thumb. "I love you."  
  
Arin kisses Dan softly on the lips before turning his head to kiss Danny's palm. "I love you too, kitten. May I ask why you're naked? I'm not complaining, but I'm curious."  
  
Dan blushes a little bit and ducks his head against Arin's chest. "I took a bath and getting dressed was too much work."  
  
"You should decide getting dressed is too much work more often," Arin says coyly, and Dan giggles.  
  
"I'll see what I can do."  
  
Dan twines his legs with Arin's and tucks his head underneath Arin's chin. It only takes a few minutes for him to fall back asleep, and Arin drifts off not too long after to the sound of Danny's rhythmic breathing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, if you wanted a visual on the two toys mentioned, here are images of them  
> http://imgur.com/rXR8I0t  
> http://imgur.com/3ZqSQ7a


	8. 8 - If You Don't Let Down Your Guard

The sun is just starting to sink into the horizon, the beginnings of what will be a beautiful sunset already beginning to stretch across the California sky. The lightness of the bedroom indicates to Arin that it's probably just after eight. He lays there confused for a few long moments until he remembers that he and Dan went to sleep some time in the late afternoon. The nap was very nice but he absolutely hates when he wakes up disoriented.

 Against his body, he can feel Dan slowly waking up, and he waits as silently as he can while his husband rouses himself back into consciousness.

 Dan's eyes finally flutter open, and Arin locks their gazes. There's adoration in Dan's eyes, but there's a sadness that frays the edges, and Arin wrinkles his brow. Something is making Dan sad and Arin wants it to stop as soon as possible.

 "What's wrong?" he asks, and Dan smiles. The sadness in his eyes fades away and is replaced by a wall of normalcy. Arin knows that Dan's putting up a mask, but he knows that if he pushes it right now, Dan will probably have an anxiety attack and no one wants that.

 Dan traces the line of Arin's jaw. He continues staring at Arin, running his eyes along the curves and edges of his facial features. The slope of his nose, the curve of his cheekbones, the bow of his lips. 

 "Nothing's wrong," Dan says, and for the moment, it's true. He's taken the part of his brain that continually reminds him that he doesn't get to keep _this_  Arin and shoved it into a small box at the back of his brain. He wants Arin so goddamn bad at it's bloody terrifying but he knows—he _knows_ —that unless he does this while he's in this world he will never, ever get the chance. "There's no place I'd rather be than right here."

 Even in the dark, Dan can see Arin's skin darken with a blush. He smiles and kisses Arin's chin. Facial hair scratches over his lips, making them tingle as he kisses over Arin's jaw again and down his neck. His kisses are open mouthed and desperate. He wants to know what every inch of Arin's skin tastes like and he can't get it fast enough.

 "Why—uh, why the sudden change in pace?" Arin asks, jolting when Dan rubs the pad of his thumb over one of his sensitive nipples. 

 Dan nips at Arin's collarbone softly before he answers. "Because I worked through my baggage that was swirling around in my head like a fuckin' twister." Arin's neck is salty with sweat and Danny sucks on the already overheated skin. 

 "Bag—baggage?" It's hard to concentrate when Dan is peppering him with filthy, brilliant kisses.

 Dan kisses over Arin's shoulders and down his thick arms, running his tongue over the definition of muscle in his bicep. He kisses down the length of his forearm before kissing his palm. "You're beautiful," Dan says between kisses to Arin's fingertips. When he hits Arin's thumb, he sits up and begins the same treatment on Arin's other arm.

 "You're so, so fucking gorgeous and I don't want you to ever think I don't want sex because of the way you look. You're fucking beautiful no matter what your body shape is, big cat." 

 Arin's voice is meek as he speaks. "You heard me?"

 Dan kisses the last finger left before he kisses Arin sweetly, their meeting nothing more than a chaste brush of lips. "I did," Dan affirms before beginning a litany of butterfly kisses to Arin's cheeks. "I also wanted to remind you that none of it is true."

 Arin's eyes flutter closed as he tries not to cry. A ribbon of pure affection winds its way through his body when Dan brushes his lips over Arin's closed eyelids. "I love you," Arin whispers. Dan smiles into the kiss they share and it tastes like goddamn sunshine. 

 "I love you too," he answers.

 They kiss languidly for several minutes until Dan bites down on Arin's lower lip and tugs it between his teeth. Arin moans into Dan's mouth, resulting in Dan whining quietly. It's apparently gone and pushed his buttons because Arin immediately kisses across Dan's jaw and sucks on the spot at the base of his ear that makes his hips buck forward. He can feel the hickies being sucked into his skin and he trembles in Arin's arms.

 "Make love to me," Dan says, almost sounding desperate. Arin freezes mid-kiss and Dan whines at the loss of sensation.

 "Are you sure? I don't want you to do something you're not ready for," Arin tells him, and Dan kisses him hard enough that their teeth clack together.

 "I promise you, I want this," he says. "Please." He kisses Arin again. "Make love to me."

 Arin can barely stop himself from lunging forward and kissing Dan with every ounce of _everything_  in his body. Dan's fingers clutch at his shoulders tightly and he's pretty sure there will be a bruise or two. When they part, Dan is breathing like he's just run a marathon, and even in the dim light of the room Arin can see how wide his eyes are blown with lust.

 "How do you want me?" Dan asks, and Arin groans quietly. At times Dan knows he's fucking sexy and he uses it to his advantage, and then there are times like this where he doesn't even know he's doing it. Arin feels like he has Danny Sexbang in his bed and he loves it.

 "On your back for now; I'm gonna take such good care of you," Arin says, and Dan rolls over. Both of his arms are raised over his head and his hair is a wild goddamn mess. He lifts his hips when Arin taps his thigh so that he can slide a pillow under his bony ass. 

 Arin fishes the lube out of the side drawer and strips his boxers off, sighing happily when his cock is freed from the confines of his boxers. As he gets ready to open the lube, Dan sits back up. 

 "Move back," he tells Arin. Confused, Arin puts the lube down and scoots a foot or so away from his husband. He's still lost at what Danny's doing until Dan's on his stomach in front of him. "Lay down."

 Dan suppresses the giggles that are trying to escape as the thought of him finally being inducted into the D Club flits through his mind. Arin's cock is hot and heavy in his hand, and he can already feel the differences between his own cock and Arin's. Arin's curves downward, and the head of his dick is thick. He never ever thought he would think of any dick other than his own as beautiful, but Arin's is. It's almost as long as his, and it's just a fraction thicker. 

 He presses his face against the apex of Arin's thigh. Heat crashes through him at the smell of Arin's arousal. He nips at the sensitive skin before returning to his original task. He licks his palm before wrapping his hand around Arin's cock and squeezing lightly. Arin gasps and his hips twitch. Dan strokes Arin a few times before he takes a wild chance and runs his tongue over the head of Arin's cock. Arin cries out at the sudden warmth.

 Saltiness from his pre-cum and sweat explode across Dan's tongue, and paired with the heady scent of _Arin_ , he groans, causing Arin to cry out again from the vibrations. 

 He thinks back to what he likes when he gets a blowjob, and he pulls back to suck on just the very tip of Arin's cock. Arin groans, and Dan has to work to suppress a smile. He has no idea how the Other Dan is at dick sucking, but he himself knows that he probably can't take the whole thing. Slowly and carefully, Dan takes Arin into his mouth, getting almost halfway before his gag reflex starts to kick in. To make sure he remembers where the stopping point is, he circles Arin's cock with his fingers and starts bobbing his head. 

 "Fuck," Arin groans into the dark. The only noise in the room comes from Arin's heavy breathing and the obscene noises of his cock moving in and out of Dan's mouth. "If you want me to make love to you, babe, you're gonna need to stop," he says in a rush.

 They return to their previous positions and Arin pops the lube open. Dan's long, gangly legs are spread wide, and there's a blush crawling over his face and down the top of his chest. Against his stomach, his cock twitches. "You embarrassed at being all spread out for me?" Arin asks quietly while he rubs the lube over Dan's hole. 

 Dan wiggles his hips against Arin's hand and whines. It's embarrassing to be spread so open and vulnerable in front of someone, and considering this is the first time he's ever experienced this, he's extra embarrassed. 

 Arin carefully works one finger into Dan, and while he slowly pumps it in and out, he kisses all over Dan's chest. "You don't need to be embarrassed, baby," Arin says. "You're so beautiful like this." The praise makes Dan shiver and he bites his lip. 

 He's still sensitive from when he used the prostate massager earlier, and Arin sliding a second finger in alongside the first makes him cry out. Arin twists his wrist in a circular motion as he thrusts, and Dan rolls his hips to meet his hand. Just the two fingers are already more intense than the massager had been, but Arin also has thick fingers. The sensation of Arin's knuckles dragging against his hole is fucking delightful. "Another," he tells Arin once he feels he can accommodate it, and after applying more lube, Arin works a third finger inside.

 A tingling burn works between his legs while he reminds himself to breathe in through his nose and out through his mouth while the muscle relaxes. Arin's hand is moving slowly, giving him time to adjust. It's so much and not enough all at once and Dan is growing impatient. He _needs_  this.

 He whimpers at the loss of Arin's fingers inside of him, and Arin smiles against his lips as they kiss. He rolls Dan onto his side and Dan hikes his leg up over Arin's hip. Between them, Arin's hand brushes Dan's leaking cock as he slicks himself up with lube. 

 Danny's giggling when Arin finally breeches him because it had taken several fumbly fails for Arin to find his hole at the unfamiliar angle. His laugh cuts off sharply and he gasps. He has to reminds himself repeatedly to breathe as Arin slowly presses his length inside of him.

 It's so _much_. He feels so fucking full that he's sure he's going to burst. It's intense like the prostate massager was, but thirty times over. His body shivers at the wild stimulation, and Arin kisses his cheek in random patterns until it stops. "You okay, baby?" Arin asks. Dan nods shakily. "Are you sure? Can you give me a verbal 'yes'?" 

 "Y-yeah," Dan says, his voice tight. "It's so fucking much, Arin," he says. He knows that he's said in the past that sometimes he feels like he's almost part of the entire universe when he's making love, but this... god, this feels even more wild than that, and he's kind of frustrated that he can't figure out how to put it in words.

 "Do you need me to stop?" Arin asks, concerned. He hasn't started moving yet; he's waiting for Dan to come down a bit from his sensation overload. 

 "N-No," he says, and though his voice is shaking, he sounds reassuring. He grabs for Arin's face and kisses him messily. His fingers wind into Arin's hair, and every time Arin sucks on Dan's tongue, he clenches around his cock. Dan finally begins rocking against him, and Arin groans at the feeling.

His hairline is damp with sweat, and he's sure he doesn't smell pleasant at this point but Dan has yet to relent in kissing his face and neck and lips as much as he can. He doesn't know how long this can last, since just being in Dan's tight as fuck heat is pulling him apart.

"I love you," Dan says as they rock against one another, pressed as close as the laws of physics will allow. "I love you so fucking much, Arin." 

"I love you too, Leigh," Arin murmurs. Their quiet moans and the slight creaking of the bed-frame and mattress fill the room, which is almost completely dark by now. 

"A little—a little faster," Danny pleads, burying his face into Arin's shoulder. His arm is wrapped around his torso so that his hand is gripping the top of Arin's shoulder. The arm he's laying on is getting a little squished and he knows that at some point his arm will go to sleep but right now he couldn't give a fuck. Arin clutches at Dan's backside, kneading the flesh of his ass. Dan moans at the feeling. 

Arin fucks Dan deeper, still staying at the agonizingly slow pace. Dan moans loudly. His nails are digging into Arin's shoulder and he's leaving a dusting of crescent shapes over his skin. 

Arin hikes Dan's leg higher up on his hip and Dan's entire body jolts and he moans shakily. Bingo. 

"Fuck, yes," Dan says against Arin's skin. "So good, so good to me." He's babbling romantic nonsense, and Arin knows that he's getting close to cumming. "You make me feel so good, Arin."

At every thrust, Arin's stomach was brushing against Dan's cock, and Arin pressed as close as he could and finally began moving faster. Dan let out a noise similar to a sob and he came between his and Arin's bodies. Arin swore loudly at the pressure surrounding his dick as Dan came, and it didn't even take two more thrusts before he was cumming as well. 

The shaking in Dan's body didn't stop, and it took him a moment to realize he was crying. Arin kissed the tears off of his face and brushed his wild hair back. 

"I love you," Dan says, his voice breaking. "I love you so much and I want you to stay with me forever." It's been building since he realized he was in love with Arin, and it seems to have finally boiled over. "Please don't ever go anywhere, please. Please don't leave me alone." His voice is so quiet that Arin almost misses it.

"I'm not going anywhere, Dan," Arin promises. He grabs the pair of boxers he had been wearing and wipes between his and Dan's stomach, cleaning the quickly drying cum off of their bodies before tossing them over the side of the bed and onto the floor. 

Dan stays curled up in Arin's arms, neither of them going back to sleep, instead talking about everything and nothing well into the hours of the early morning. Dan needs to know that he's spent as much time as possible getting to experience Arin this way now that he knows just what it's like. 

He wants to absorb these moments into his pores, breathe Arin down into his lungs. He can't forget this. His entire being was already so intertwined with Arin's in the real world, like they were two halves of a whole fuckin' idiot. Now he can't tell where he ends and Arin begins.

When he loses that, he knows he's going to fall apart. He's hoping he can make the time between then and now worth it.


	9. 9 — A Distance Much too Far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is shorter than normal, and the next chapter will be pretty short too. Not sure when that will be out.

In the morning, Dan is the first one to wake. Through the blinds, he can see the type of sunshine that can only mean it's before eight in the morning; cool like a fresh autumn evening but with the warmth that comes from a warm cup of cocoa. There's a bird chirping in the tree by his window, and he listens to it for a long moment before turning his head to face Arin. Sometime in the night they had changed positions, and Dan had ended up mostly on his back with Arin tucked up against his side. Quiet snores rumble from the man in his bed and Dan smiles.

He's definitely sore in ways he's never been before. He's been achy after sex before, but that was generally after a girl rode him too hard because his bony ass hips didn't have any body fat to absorb the impact. This is different ache all together. It's deep seated, feeling kind of like it's at his very core. He experimentally clenches his muscles, and the resulting twinge makes him wince. It's a good ache, though; it's something he doesn't ever want to really forget. Dan likes having physical reminders from lovemaking, and this is no different.

Carefully, so as to not wake Arin, Dan turns his body to fully face him. Arin's nose wrinkles a little bit before relaxing again. Dan brushes the stray hairs out of his face. Arin's eyelashes are much longer than Dan had ever realized, and as his eyelids twitch with his dreams, the lashes graze his cheeks. Dan's eyes trace the gentle slope of Arin's nose and the bow of his lips. He had never really noticed before, but Arin's nose is covered in light freckles.

He's fucking beautiful.

Dan snuggles himself close to Arin, who reaches out for his warmth in his sleep. Laying here, tucked up against his best friend (and husband in this crazy ass timeline), Dan wonders how he never realized just how in love with Arin he really is.

 

\-   -   -

 

The second time Dan awakens, it's to the tickling press of kisses against his shoulder. Arin's beard teases his sensitive skin and a quiet giggle escapes him as he opens his eyes. "G'morning," Dan says with a crackly voice.  He clears his throat before speaking again. "Yo what do I owe this honor?"

Arin rolls his eyes and kisses Dan softly. "I think I should be asking you that question."

Danny whines embarrassingly in the back of his throat and covers his face with both hands as his blush fires up. " _Arin_!" He protests weakly, dragging out the name. He's not used to the way Arin is sweet talking him.

'Normal' Arin sweet talked him sometimes too, like when he would say that he was a beautiful singer, handsome, and a wonderful person, but 98% of the time it was said in the weird, passive-aggressive way that always made Danny lose his shit. A few from the remaining 2% had been caught on the show, cataloged for everyone to hear. When he listened back, it felt like he could actually _hear_ himself blush.

To top it off, he's usually the one showering the other person in his relationships in loving compliments and cute nicknames and I love yous. He's never been on this side of it before.

Arin laughs quietly and peppers kisses onto Danny's hands. "You're so fucking adorable that I think I might need to stab myself in the face to counteract the sheer joy this gives me."

Danny peeks out from behind his fingers. "Well, isn't someone dramatic today," before erupting in giggles as Arin tickles him. He flails, squealing, while Arin tickles his ribs. In the midst of the tickle fest, Arin rolls them so that Dan is straddling Arin's waist. There's a surprisingly pleasant throb deep in his core and he bites down on his lip.

Arin knows exactly what that look means and he grins. "Sore?" he asks smugly, and Dan weakly smacks his chest. Arin grips Dan's thin waist and rolls his hips. Dan gasps, and his cock begins to rouse from where it's resting against his thigh. Underneath his ass, he can feel Arin growing hard. He bites down on his bottom lip and grinds his hips experimentally. Arin's whiskey colored eyes darken with desire and Dan shivers, not used to such a look being directed towards himself. Taking his cock in hand, Dan strokes himself slowly, making sure to stroke underneath the head on the upstroke. Arin watches him with hungry eyes, all the while grinding his hips against Danny's bony ass.

Once he's fully erect, Dan scoots back until Arin's cock becomes free and hits against the trail of hair underneath his belly button. He had been in contact with Arin's dick last night, but it was relatively dark and he honestly hadn't gotten to spend as much time up close with it as he had wanted to. A deep, rolling heat stokes Dan's body when he lines up his cock next to Arin's.

They fit together perfectly, as his own curves slightly upward, and Arin's curves down. Arin's cock is just a tad bit thicker than Dan's, and the head is even bigger. There's a tiny mole near the head and for some reason the sight of it makes Dan smile.

"You gonna just stare at it?" Arin asks, teasing.

"Sorry," Danny apologizes, loosely grasping both of their dicks in his large hand and rolling his hips. The sensation of another cock sliding against his is foreign and odd, but it feels incredible. "Your cock is just really fucking gorgeous."

Arin grunts and fumbles under the pillow until he finds the lube they had discarded last night. He pops the cap and pours some on their cocks, and the slickness makes Dan whine.

"It looks even more gorgeous in your mouth," Arin says, his voice gravelly. Dan's hips jerk of their own accord and he swears under his breath. "Yeah? You like the thought of my cock in your mouth?"

Normally, the thought would have made him blanch, but now his mouth is practically watering at the thought. He nods shakily. His hand is stroking their cocks faster now and Arin's hands are on his hips, rocking him back and forth. Dan jolts in surprise when Arin knocks his hand away and takes over. From this angle he can stroke his index finger over the ridge of his cockhead on every pass of his hand and Danny moans loudly. He braces his hands on Arin's chest and his dull nails bite into the plush skin, drawing forth a whispered "fuck" from the man underneath him.

"Arin," Dan whines as he rolls his hips frantically.

"Cum for me, kitten," Arin commands and with a keening whine, Dan shoots his load up Arin's chest. Moments later, Arin follows, mouth open in a gasp and eyes clenched shut. Dan rolls off of Arin and onto his back beside him. The coolness of the sheets feels wonderful on his overheated skin. It's silent save for the sound of their mingled breaths as they work to slow down their heartbeats. After a moment, Arin groans.

"And now I'm all gross," he mutters.

"Only now?" Dan teases and Arin weakly whacks his chest with the back of his hand. Dan twines his fingers with Arin's before he can withdraw and brings their hands up to his lips. He presses a sweet kiss to Arin's knuckles. "I take it you want to shower now?"

"No, I'm just gonna go through my day with a Pollock painting of splooge on my chest." Dan cackles and releases Arin's hand and shoves at him to get off the bed.

"So immature," he mumbles through the giggles.

Their shower is relaxing, if a little cramped. In the real world, Dan had had one girl in here and it had been a little tight then, but with two men that stood at 6'2" it was kind of like standing in a roomy sardine can. That being said, Dan isn't complaining. Being close to Arin is never a problem (okay, sometimes it's a problem but he doesn't want to think about Arin's noxious fumes right now) and Arin looks fucking gorgeous. Water drips down the slope of his nose and beads on his eyelashes, and Dan can't help but lean in and kiss him softly.

"You're super touchy-feely this morning," Arin observes when Dan wraps his arms around his soft waist and rests his head on the shoulder that's being pelted with water the least.

Dan shrugs. He himself knows exactly why he's acting like this—he wants to spend as much time as possible with Arin like this because he knows that none of this can last. He needs to make as many memories as possible, needs them to fill up his entire being until they seep from his skin.

"Can we just stay like this for a while?"

They stand underneath the spray until the water runs cold.


	10. 10 - Can't Rebuild What Has Been Burned

Dan rouses out of his sleep largely in part from the scratchy kisses that are being pressed to his naked back, and also because he's pretty sure he can smell banana pancakes. He murmurs and rolls over to face Arin, who is kneeling on the bed next to his previously sleeping husband. Dan peers at Arin through the cloud of hair that's in his face. "Hello."

"I made breakfast," Arin says and pushes the hair out of Dan's face. He squints at the sudden increase in brightness. Dan blinks slowly and rubs at his eyes.

"What's time it?"

Arin can't help but laugh. "You wanna try that sentence again, baby?"

"I'd rather you just answer m'question," Dan says sleepily. He finally sits up and the comforter pools around his waist.

"It's a little after nine," Arin tells him, pushing Dan's hair out of his face again when it tumbles back down.

"Really?" Dan stretches his arms above his head and groans when the tendons in his shoulders crack. "What time do we have to be at Suzy's?"

"The appointment is at noon, so we should leave at eleven fifteen or so." Dan nods and shoves the comforter away. Arin scoots aside so Dan can slip out of bed, and he unashamedly watches Dan's ass as the older man digs through the top drawer for some underwear. The muscles flex underneath Dan's skin as he steps into his boxer briefs and when he turns around he pauses at the look on Arin's face. A beautiful smile spreads across his face and Arin can't help but smile back. Dan shuffles back over to the bed and he crawls into Arin's lap. Arin wraps his arms around Danny's waist and he nuzzles against Danny's heavily stubbled cheek. A quiet giggle escapes Dan.

"What?" Dan asks. Arin kisses across his cheek until he reaches his lips. They kiss lazily, both of them smiling into it.

"You're so beautiful," Arin says between each tiny press of lips. "Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am." Danny whines, embarrassed, and he tucks his face against Arin's neck. Arin chuckles.

"Arin," Dan says softly. He feels like he's made of butterflies. Arin kisses his cheek again and then pats Dan's scrawny butt, earning himself an indignant squeak.

"Breakfast is gonna be cold," he points out. Dan sighs and climbs off Arin's lap. Arin heads into the kitchen and begins reheating the eggs and banana pancakes. Dan plods out a minute later, his bare feet slapping quietly against the linoleum. He's slipped on a pair of Giants pajama pants and one of Arin's old tshirts. He takes his plate with a 'thank you' and sits down at the table.

Seconds after Arin sits down, Dan puts his feet in Arin's lap, and Arin yelps from the press of cold toes through his thin pants. "Jesus, dude, did you soak your feet in ice water before coming out here?" Arin may be bitching but he has yet to push Dan's feet out of his lap.

"I can't hear your whining over how good these pancakes are," Dan says, and Arin rolls his eyes. They eat in comfortable silence, and Dan lets the unfamiliar feeling of domesticity envelop him. He's not accustomed to this, hasn't been since he was with Rachel almost ten years ago. Over the past two weeks, he's been trying hard to not dwell on the fact that none of this can last. It's been difficult, but he doesn't want his entire experience with Arin to be tinged with sadness on the edges.

Since the night that they finally slept together, they had made love four more times and each time was better than the last. The most recent had been three days ago. It had been fucking incredible. Dan had found an aluminum butt plug that had a pink jewel set into the base in the "sex drawer" as he had taken to thinking of it as. Dan had gone home early from the office and carefully worked himself open until he could fit the plug in. When Arin came home he had found Danny sitting on the bed in his black silk kimono, which was parted to show his hard cock. Arin had dropped his phone (and his jaw).

Dan hastily sips from his glass of orange juice in an attempt to cover the blush that's rising in his cheeks.

Arin had nearly exploded when Dan had turned around on his hands and knees and pulled his kimono up to his waist. He had cum twice, something he hadn't done in a long fucking time.

Dan bangs his knees on the bottom of the table when Arin squeezes the arch of his foot. "Fuck," he mutters, rubbing his now bruised knee. Arin has a shit eating grin on his face when Dan looks up and Dan quickly looks back down and proceeds to shove a huge bite of pancake into his mouth. 

"Whatcha blushin' about?" Arin teases, and Dan takes another bite, hoping Arin will just let him be flustered in peace. "Hmm?" He lightly tugs on one of Dan's long toes and Danny squeaks. "Let me guess," Arin begins and Dan covers his eyes with one hand. He's never really been one to get embarrassed super easily but something about Arin turns him into a blushing schoolboy. "Are you thinking about me plowing that sweet ass?"

"Oh, my God," Dan mutters. "Can't I just eat my breakfast in peace?"

"Nope," Arin says simply, and Dan pinches his thigh with his toes. "Ow!"

Dan sips his juice nonchalantly. "What was that?" Arin rolls his eyes and they finish breakfast with smiles on their faces.

  


\- - -

Dan's hair has only just mildly reached a state of dryness when it's time to leave. He makes sure to put a hair tie around his wrist because his hair is expanding as it dries and by the time it's fully dry it'll be capable of consuming a human being.

When they get to Barry and Suzy's, Violet is sitting at the coffee table with a myriad of crayons and coloring sheets, along with some pieces of blank printer paper. Dan folds himself into a large pile next to Vy while Arin chats with Barry and Suze.

Suzy is due in a month and they still don't know what the sex of it is because Baby Kramer refuses to cooperate. Arin wishes them luck on finding out the gender as they leave. Arin sits down across from Violet and picks up one of the few markers that are on the table.

"Arry!" she exclaims, and again Dan feels a rush of fondness for the little girl. She's precious as fuck and really, really weird. "Can you draw a house? I wanna draw my family but I make ugly houses."

Arin grabs a blank sheet and starts sketching. "I'm sure your houses are cool as ice, Shy Vy," he tells her, and she sticks her tongue out at him. The sketch is simple, but Violet is overjoyed. Arin turns to Dan. "Would you like a picture too, Danny boy?"

Dan scratches at his nose with his middle finger, discreetly flipping Arin off. Arin snorts loudly and draws Dan the doofiest stegosaurus he possibly can. Dan grins at the stupid drawing and begins picking out blue crayons. Arin ruffles his hair as he passes by and Dan pokes him in the ass.

While Arin is in the kitchen making lunch, Dan carefully colors in his stegosaurus. "Who is that in your picture?" Dan asks Vy, who has a look of extreme concentration on her face as she draws.

"Almathea and a wombat," she says matter of factly and it takes Dan a moment to realize what she's said. She's been spending way too much time with Ross and Holly, he decides. "Why is your teggo only blue?"

Dan looks at his paper. He's _trying_ to do some shading but he doesn't really understand how light and shadow work, and he's going through all the shades of blue he could find. "I like blue," he says, sounding slightly defensive.

"You gotta have var-vary-varyshon," Vy tells him, her tone serious. "He'll be sad if he's only blue!"

Dan thinks about arguing, but she's five, and he decides against it. The Danny Sexbang colors are his favorite, so he grabs a few reds from the mishmash for the stegosaurus' plates. After a few more minutes of silence, Dan tries conversation again.

"Do you want your mom to have a girl baby or a boy baby?"

"I wanted a liddard but mommy said no. Holly and Ross have one named Pancake!" Yep. Definitely spending too much time with Ross and Holly. "I dunno what I want. If it's a boy though I'm gonna name it Schmendrick and if it's a girl I'm gonna name it George."

Dan thinks he deserves a trophy for not bursting into laughter. "Vy," he begins slowly, afraid to upset her, "I don't think that's how it works."

"I got to name the ladybug I brought home yesterday!" she says, and Dan nods.

"Yes, but your mom and dad are bringing home the baby so they get to name it." Why. Why is he trying to explain this?

"So they get to name it George?"

"If they want, yeah." Violet frowns and her nose scrunches up in the familiar way that Suzy's does. "If you want to name some stuff we could name your crayons." It sounds weird, and it most likely is, but it's something he would have done (and probably did) as a child. He had once befriended a ball of lint, for fuck's sake.

"Okay!" Vy scrutinizes the purple crayon she's holding. It's worn down, and the paper is beginning to peel off. "How about Grappo?"

"Grappo sounds good," Dan says. He finishes coloring in the spot he's working on before holding out the dark red crayon for Violet to inspect. "Melvin, this is Violet.

"Hi, Melvin!"

This goes back and forth, and eventually Dan begins writing down the given names in the proffered crayon colors. They're almost done naming all one hundred twenty eight crayons by the time Arin comes back in. He smells like dish soap and his hands are pruney.

"What have you two goobers been up to?" he asks. Arin eyes the long list of names. "Making a hit list?"

Dan elbows Arin's leg. "We named crayons." Arin stares at his husband with a blank look for a few moments before he starts giggling.

"Oh, yeah?" He ruffles Dan's hair, which has since been tugged back into a bun. Dan grumbles, brushing the flyaway hairs out of his eyes. "Can I see?" Dan hands him the list and he can see Arin's mouth twitching with suppressed laughter as he scans the list.

"Is lunch ready?" Vy asks.

"Oh, yeah. I made you a peanut butter and pickle sandwich," Arin tells her and she shouts in glee before hurrying to the kitchen. "No running!"

A quiet "sorry" comes from the direction Vy had headed in and Arin sighs.

"Are you hungry?" Arin asks Dan, who shrugs. "There are granola bars." He's probably hungry enough for one of those, so Dan follows Arin into the kitchen.

They're halfway through eating, listening to Violet yammer on about Holly's birds, when the door opens. "Mommy!" Violet shouts, and scrambles to get out of her chair.

"No running," Dan reminds her, and she begrudgingly slows her momentum before latching onto Suzy's leg. "Hey, Scuze. The appointment go well?"

Barry leads Violet back into the kitchen so she can finish her lunch. She's telling him about all the crayons, and Dan gets an amused look from his former roommate.

"Everything's fine," Suzy says, sitting down on the couch so she can tug her shoes off. "The baby finally cooperated! I have the feeling that this stubbornness is a sign of things to come." She absentmindedly rubs at her rounded stomach while Arin and Dan wait for her to tell them what the gender is. "So," she begins, grinning, "it's a girl."

Arin whoops happily and Dan smiles. He has no idea whether Suzy and Barry were hoping for a girl or not but Suzy sounds happy, so he takes it as a good sign. Arin looks exhilarated, and Dan can't help but smile bigger at the look on his face.

"Barry and I have a name picked out, but we wanted to know the gender before we brought it up." For some reason, Dan's body tenses, like he knows he's not going to like what he's about to hear. "If it's okay with you guys, we'd like to name her Joanna Leigh. We also thought about Joanna Danielle but we preferred Leigh."

Arin looks like he's about to cry. Dan feels like he's going to throw up. "Suzy," Arin says, and his voice cracks. "I... fuck yeah. That's so sweet of you guys." Suzy looks to Dan, waiting for his reaction. She looks so happy and excited and Dan is positive that there is a literal vice grip on his heart. He can feel the beginnings of a panic attack, can feel his positive emotions shutting down quicker than he can try to jumpstart them. He's had a lot of practice over the years though, and he forces a smile onto his face.

"That's a beautiful name, Scuze. Thank you." Suzy beams and Dan wants to sink into the floor. The moment that Arin and Suzy start talking about names, Dan slips away and sneaks out the sliding door in the kitchen. Luckily for him, Barry and Vy have moved into a different room. Dan is pretty sure he can hear Barry helping his daughter brush her teeth properly in the bathroom.

Getting outside helps the feeling of claustrophobia that's descending on him lessen a bit, but not enough to make much of a difference. Without his guidance, his hands snake into his hair and tug, pulling large chunks out of the bun it's currently in. The ripple of pain across his scalp helps immensely, giving him something to focus on instead of the cold anxiety that's filling up his lungs.

Dan wanders through the yard until he ends up at the front of the house. He plops himself in Violet's sandbox and drives the fingers of one hand into the sand. Focus. Concentrate on the texture and the temperature. Breathe. His knees are drawn up to his chest and his face is tucked into them. The hand that's not wriggling in the sand is rhythmically tugging at his hair. He's sure he looks fuckin' crazy, but _hey,_ he thinks wryly, _at least the outside will match the inside._

Barry parks Violet on the couch in front of the TV. Jeopardy is on and she's singing along to the opening music. Arin and Suzy are still in the entranceway of the kitchen, talking about baby stuff. It takes a moment for Barry to notice the man sitting in his daughter's sandbox through the window.

"Uh, Arin?" Barry says, and Arin and Suzy turn to look at him. "May I ask why your husband is sitting in the sandbox?"

Arin suddenly jolts and looks around as if he only just realized Dan wasn't standing next to him. "Shit," he mutters and heads for the door in the kitchen.

Dan is curled in on himself, attempting to appear as small as possible. Arin drops to his knees across from Dan, wincing at the scrape of the grains against his knees. "Danny, what's going on?" He desperately wants to untangle Dan's fingers from his hair; he hates when he does that. Without permission to touch him though, Arin refrains. "Is it okay if I touch you?"

A quiet "yes" can be heard and Arin carefully holds onto Dan's hand and unwinds his curls from around his fingers. Once free, Dan digs that hand into the sand as well.

"What's going on?"

No answer.

"Dan, please."

No answer.

"Talk to me."

Again, no answer. The frustration is mounting and he feels like such an ass for it, but god dammit, he hates when Dan does this.

"I can't help if you don't tell me what's wrong, Leigh."

Dan finally looks up. The rim of his eyes has gone pink from crying and his eyes are muddled with anxiety. "Maybe I don't want to talk about it right now. Did you consider that?" Arin jerks like he's been slapped and Dan instantly feels like a piece of shit. "I'm sorry."

He can see that Arin is frustrated and he really can't blame him. He's acting like a petulant child and it's got to be getting on Arin's nerves. Why Arin puts up with this he has no idea.

"I understand," Arin says. Dan won't look him in the eye.

"I need to take a walk or something. I'll see you at home," Dan tells him, suddenly hoisting himself up.

"Wait, Dan!" They're a long way from the house. "It's almost two miles back!"

"I'll live," he answers. "I love you. I'll see you at home."

Arin knows he can't stop him but he wishes he could. He doesn't go back into the house until he's lost sight of Dan. Suzy descends on him like a vulture the second he's over the threshold.

"What happened? Where's Dan?"

"He had a panic attack and now he's walking home," Arin says flatly.

"Did I do something?" Suzy sounds on the verge of tears and Arin hugs her close, or at least as close as he can with her belly in the way.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Scuze," Arin assures. "It just happens sometimes." Suzy nods. She understands panic attacks far too well.

In a meek voice, she asks the question Arin had been wondering. "Is it about the name?"

Arin sighs and kisses the top of Suzy's head. "I dunno. Don't worry about it right now, okay? Let's go watch Jeopardy with your spawn." Suzy whacks his arm, but she follows him into the living room.

Arin stays for another hour and a half before he decides to head home. Once at the house, he pulls up an audio book, sits down on the porch, and waits.


	11. 11 - Light an Echo in My Mind

To quiet his mind for a little while as he walks, Dan counts his steps. He doesn't have too many remnants of his OCD, but counting things is something that he never quite managed to shake. It wasn't debilitating--he would just count things like the number of things put into the dryer, or song beats, or steps. It gave him tunnel vision in his mind, helping to give him some sort of reprieve when anxiety started to gnaw at him.

_One thousand two hundred forty-five, one thousand two hundred forty-six..._

He knows why he had the panic attack, at least. It's not much of a consolation prize but it's a bit less infuriating when he _knows_ why he's freaking the fuck out. He's been here since April, and it's nearing mid-October. He's watched Suzy's stomach grow as the pregnancy progressed, and he made sure to not let himself get attached. He loves kids—hell, he's still one himself a lot of the time—and though he's not super fond of babies, it's _Suzy's_ baby and that makes all the difference. He felt the same way when Dana was pregnant. He loved Nash and Carter before he met them because they were the sons of someone he loves with his whole heart.

Keeping himself distanced was easier than expected. It was still a difficult task, but he had been managing. Now that he knows that the kid is named after him and Arin, however, it feels like Mike Tyson has punched him in the gut. He's suddenly attached to someone he will probably never meet, and it hurts.

_Why must everything in this fucking reality hurt?_

Okay, that's not completely true, Dan admits to himself. Arin was like a lighthouse in the fog, though he knows at some point the light will burn out and he's going to crash into the rocks.

_Two thousand nine hundred seventy-eight, two thousand nine hundred seventy-nine..._

  


\- - -

  


Dan stops short at the end of his sidewalk when he sees Arin leaning against the porch railing with his phone balanced on his shoulder, eyes closed. He didn't expect Arin to be waiting for him. At the sound of footsteps, Arin opens his eyes. He pauses the audiobook.

"Hey," he says.

"Hi," Dan replies, sitting down next to Arin on the steps. "Have you been waiting long?"

"Half an hour, maybe?" He made it through two chapters of his book while he waited. It's starting to get dark by now—the streetlights are just beginning to flicker to life.

Dan is quiet, but he covers Arin's hand with his own and clasps it. His thumb rubs back and forth over the wedding band that adorns Arin's finger. There's a light breeze, and though nowhere near as strong as back in Jersey, the smell of dying leaves snakes its way into Dan's senses. That's what he misses most about the northeast—autumn. He has a sudden burning desire to be able to take Arin back to Westfield with him some time when he's back in the actual world so that they can see the leaves together.

He sighs and rubs at his brow with his free hand. What is married life doing to him?

"Do you ever..." Dan trails off, unsure of how to vocalize the question.

"Do I ever...?" Arin parrots back, turning to look at his husband, who is making a point to keep his eyes trained on the pink-streaked sky.

"Do you ever just wish that everything would stop for a while?"

A cold trickle of fear drips down Arin's spine. "What do you mean?"

"Just, I don't know." He waves his left hand as if that explains it. "Everything. Time. People. Your brain."

"Leigh," Arin begins slowly, and Dan is quick to squeeze his hand. He looks Arin in the eye so that he knows he means what he's saying.

"I'm okay, baby. I am. Just, lately my brain has been so fucking loud at the most inopportune moments and there are only so many hours in a day for me to deal with shit, you know?" Arin nods. "And we're so busy that sometimes by the time I'm ready for bed I have no energy to even try to deal with my thoughts and they just keep piling up. It feels like my brain is playing fucking Jenga."

Arin doesn't say anything at first. He knew that the anxiety was being more of an asshole than usual, but he hadn't realized that it was getting this bad. "In the morning, we could call the psych and try to get you in early."

"Yeah," he says, though he has no idea how that would go considering a psychiatrist is trained to recognize when he's acting off, and he has no Earthly idea what his file even says and what would be normal behavior and abnormal behavior.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Arin asks softly. He can see the guilt in Dan's eyes, a result of scaring Arin. Dan presses their foreheads together and kisses Arin's knuckles.

"I'm sure. I'm coping with it all. You have no idea how much having you helps keep me grounded. You're the one constant in my life that's there no matter where I look." Arin has no clue just how true that sentiment is. He smiles and Dan kisses him again. "It's the little things with you that keep me sane y'know? Your smile, your laugh, the callouses on your fingers, the weird way you say both..." Dan kisses each of Arin's knuckles on his left hand. "The fact that I can kiss you whenever. The way you cuddle me like a koala bear. The way you look when you wake up and your breathe right strip is starting to come off. How much you hate coffee."

Arin feels like he's going to cry. Dan is someone who is filled to the brim with love, but he doesn't often give it through words. He gives hugs, headbutts, snuggles, little gifts. Knowing it from his actions is brilliant, but hearing how much love he has for Arin makes the younger man feel like he's going to burst.

"I love you so much and in so many ways. And as long as I've got you in my life in some way, I think I'll be okay."

"I love you," Arin mumbles against Dan's lips. "I love you so fucking much." Dan giggles into the kiss. They part and clamor to their feet.

Once inside the house, they kick off their shoes and Dan kisses Arin again. "I want to show you how much I love you," he whispers. "Is that okay?"

Arin nods. "Please."


	12. 12 - A Last Goodbye, One Breath Within Our Ever-Shifting Lives

Once the bedroom door is shut behind them, Dan cups Arin's face in his large hands and kisses him, pouring every ounce of want into it that he can muster. He's pretty sure he succeeded because Arin is breathless when they part. Dan tugs Arin's shirt over his head along with his own, quickly followed by their pants and boxer briefs. Arin settles on his back in the middle of their ginormous bed, and Dan straddles his stomach. Arin whines quietly at the way Dan avoids his waist, and Dan just smiles.

"Patience, baby girl." They kiss again, languid and passionate, and Dan has to hold in the surge of emotion that he gets hit with. This is what love, real honest-to-god love feels like. It's overwhelming and beautiful and indescribable. He never wants to let it go.

Arin exhales shakily as Dan kisses along his jaw and over his neck, pausing to nibble at his pulse point. Dan is used to the feeling of beard hair against his lips now, and maybe even welcomes the extra stimulation it gives. He kisses every part of Arin that he can—his fingertips, the toned muscle of his biceps, the dip of his collarbone. He wants to breathe this moment into his very pores and integrate it into his very being. He needs Arin like he needs oxygen.

"You're so beautiful," Dan murmurs between kisses. "Sometimes I can't even believe that someone is breathtaking as you exists, let alone exists with me."

Needy, high pitched moans fill the silence when Dan flicks his tongue over one of Arin's dusky pink nipples. Lightly, he twists the other one as he breathes cool air over the damp one so that he can watch it pebble up. Arin's stomach is plush and smooth underneath Danny's hands and lips. "So soft," Dan whispers. "So fucking perfect."

"Dan," Arin pouts. Dan skips right over his cock and begins to kiss and nip at his thighs.

"Shh," Dan tells him before sucking a hickey into the pale expanse of skin. Arin moans quietly, watching with heavy lidded eyes while Dan marks up his thighs with love bites that bloom like roses. Dan kisses down over Arin's knee and his shins, and Arin yelps when Dan cradles his foot in his hand and sucks two of his toes into his mouth.

Arin bucks his hips, moaning at the feeling of Dan's tongue swirling over his toes. Holy fucking shit. "I d-didn't know you h-had a thing for _f-f-eeeeeet_!" He yelps again as Dan switches to the other foot. His cock is leaking against his stomach and he can't stop rolling his hips in an attempt to get some sort of friction.

"I don't," Dan says matter-of-factly. "I have a thing for _you_ , therefore..."

"You're so fucking cheesy," Arin grumbles. Dan just smiles and finally moves to where Arin wants him. "Fuck."

Dan pumps Arin's cock a few times before leaning down and taking him into his mouth. One of Arin's hands immediately buries itself in Dan's hair, delivering a light tug that makes Dan moan. He's come to realize that he really likes sucking dick, which is not something he had ever thought would happen. It gives him the same heady pleasure that eating out a girl does—he's giving his partner pleasure with nothing but his mouth and his hands and it's all about them. In that moment it doesn't matter whether he gets off or not. He gets to give as much as they can take and it drives him fucking wild. In this case, Arin's beautiful, filthy moans are his glorious reward.

"Danny," Arin keens, tugging at the fistful of curls in his hand. He's propped up on one elbow so he can watch just how fucking sinful Dan looks when he's sucking him off. "You look so pretty like this." Dan moans at the praise and Arin's hips jerk at the resulting vibration. "Danny, I'm close," he warns. Instead of pulling back like he expected him to, Dan takes in as much as he can and hums. When Arin cums, he swallows it down, grimacing at the salty taste. He trails his fingertips over the curve of Arin's tummy, following it up with more kisses.

"God, I wish you knew just how incredible you really are," he says quietly against Arin's neck.

"I love you," Arin murmurs with a smile. "What about you?" he asks, referring to Dan's still-hard cock, which is pressed against Arin's thigh.

"Oh, we're not done yet," Dan practically purrs, the trademark Danny Sexbang smirk on his face. "Will you sit up for me, baby girl?"

Arin wills his body to move, which is harder than one would expect seeing as he's still coming down from his orgasm. Dan helps him prop pillows against the headboard, and once he's settled, Dan straddles his thighs, which in turn spreads his own legs wide. They're close enough that Dan's cock is rubbing against Arin's stomach and is leaving shiny trails of precum.

Danny pops the cap of the lube and drizzles the viscous liquid over his fingers before reaching behind himself and rubbing the lubricant over his hole. He breathes slowly, willing his body to relax as he breeches himself with one long finger. It doesn't take long for him to work a second one in alongside the first, and by that point he's gasping and rolling his hips against his hand. His free hand grips the headboard just over Arin's shoulder, and Arin is peppering his neck and shoulders with hot, open-mouthed kisses. Arin is fully hard again by the time Dan has three fingers buried in himself, and Arin kisses the cry he makes when he brushes his prostate right out of his mouth.

Dan grasps the base of Arin's dick with damp fingers and slowly sinks down onto it. He's shivering and digging his fingers into Arin's shoulders, trying to ground himself as Arin's cock fills him up. The few times he's made love with Arin were intense, but being on top is almost overwhelming. Arin feels so fucking deep and the thick head of his dick is pressing right against his prostate.

"You okay, kitten?" Arin asks breathlessly. He's holding tight onto Dan's curvy hips, unconsciously squeezing his fingers every few seconds. Dan presses himself fully against Arin and wraps one arm around his ribs and drapes the other over his shoulder so that he can cup the back of his head. He kisses Arin softly. Arin has an arm around Dan's waist and the other one is across his back.

"I'm good. Please," Dan says quietly. In their current positions, there's not much room to move, but they don't really need it. Dan presses his face against Arin's collarbone as they move together. The sour tang of sweat fills his nose and he can taste the salt on his tongue.

The room is filled with the quiet creaking of the bed and the mingled sounds of their moans. "I love you so much," Dan murmurs between wet kisses to Arin's overheated skin. "So fucking much you don't even know."

"Leigh," Arin whines with his face buried in Dan's hair. The sound of his given name spilling from Arin's mouth in that desperate tone makes Dan's toes curl. "I'm close."

Dan is ready to burst. There's so much stimulation that he doesn't know what to focus on first. He can taste Arin on his tongue and feel his sweat-slicked skin against his own. Arin's grunts and moans swirl in his head, mingling with his own litany of noises. Everything smells like sweat and sex and the mingling of cologne. It's like a goddamn drug that he can't get enough of.

Arin kisses Dan hard, open mouthed and messy and slightly painful from the collision of their teeth, but he doesn't care because his orgasm has slammed into him like a freight train. Their cries mingle in the small space between them and Dan cums between them, shuddering.

Dan nuzzles against Arin's neck and he can feel the beat of Arin's pulse like a wild butterfly under his lips. Arin is softening inside of him but he has no intention of moving for a few more minutes at least. In the back of his head somewhere he acknowledges that he'll have to wash the sheets tomorrow since they're covered in sweat and jizz.

"I love you," Dan says through the barely-there kisses he's trailing over Arin's neck and shoulder. "I love you so much that it feels like I'm drowning sometimes."

Arin runs his fingers through Dan's hair, which has since slipped from the confines of his hair tie. "I love you, too. So, so much." Dan finally crawls off of Arin's lap when the sweat begins cooling against their skin.

Dan books it to the bathroom to get a washcloth to clean himself up. After he wipes Arin's release off of the inside of his thighs, he grabs another one and goes back to the bedroom where Arin has already peeled the sheet off and tossed it on the floor. He's sitting in the middle of their bed, waiting. Dan sits up on his knees and wipes Arin's face with the damp cloth, removing the sweat from his skin. He somehow manages to nail the washcloth right into the hamper and he cheers.

"Avidan still has it!"

"Danny, you never had it to begin with," Arin reminds him and Dan whacks him with a pillow. Dan spoons up against Arin's back and tugs his pink throw blanket over their legs. Arin fumbles until he can find Dan's hand, and when he does he twines their fingers together and pulls their joined hands up to rest against his chest. Danny noses at the spot behind Arin's ear before kissing it lightly.

"I love you," he says again.

"I love you, too."

  


\- - -

  


The chirping of birds and the far off scent of bacon wake Dan up. The sunlight is bright through the blinds and he covers his eyes with one hand and groans. After a moment of internally cursing at the sun, he sits up and waits for his eyes to adjust to the brightness. 

It takes him a second to realize anything is different, but when he does, a chunk of ice drops into his stomach.

The Sailor Moon and Megaman and anime posters are gone, as are the action figures. The photo album is gone and the pictures Arin had tacked up on the mirror are gone, too. His bed is made properly—not stripped for washing, and he's wearing boxers and a t-shirt.

His wedding ring is gone.

He's home.  



	13. 13 - Spare Your Cries; There Will Be No Reply

Barry scrambles eggs in the skillet, making sure that they brown just the way Dan likes them. He himself likes his eggs pretty fluffy, but Dan takes his on the side of what most people would call burnt. The turkey sausage is in the oven on a cookie sheet with the temperature set to as low as it can go so that it stays warm. Once the eggs are done, he covers them with the lid to the skillet to try and keep them warm while he gets Dan. It's approaching nine thirty in the morning and Dan needs to take his stomach pills.

Barry knocks on the door of Dan's room and waits a few beats before opening it in case Dan was asleep in the nude or something. When he opens the door, however, he's met with the sight of his roommate sitting up and clutching his duvet so hard his knuckles are white while he hyperventilates through chest-wracking sobs. Barry practically flings himself onto the bed and gets close to Dan without touching him. It's been a long, long time since Dan has had a panic attack, but he still remembers that Dan doesn't always want to be touched. He's never seen one this bad.

"Dan—Dan, hey," Barry says, keeping his voice neutral while he tries to get his attention. "Focus on me." Dan's eyes are full of panic when they meet Barry's own pair of hazel ones. "I need you to slow down your breathing. In...one...two...three."

It takes over a minute to get Dan to regulate his panicked gasps into choppy (but stable) breaths. "What's going on?"

As if the question broke down a dam, Dan collides with Barry so hard he almost falls over. Dan's thin body is shuddering with his cries, and Barry holds him close and rocks back and forth. He's never heard such pain in someone's voice before, and it's causing him to tear up as well. It takes a few minutes to realize that Dan is repeating one thing over and over:

"Arin."

For close to thirty minutes, Barry holds Dan close while he cries. His shirt is soaked through with tears and spit and snot but he doesn't care. He doesn't say anything to Dan because he had expressed in the past that being told that it was okay during a panic attack just made it worse. Instead, he hums quietly, and even though he's slightly off-key, it seems to help. When Dan finally cries himself out, he pulls away from Barry and wipes his red, stinging eyes with shaky hands.

Barry mistakenly asks if Dan wants him to call Arin, and the other man's eyes grow wide and he shakes his head wildly. He looks ready to start crying again and Barry assures him that he won't.

Dan has yet to say anything, but he willingly follows Barry out to the kitchen and sits at the counter while waiting for Barry to reheat the eggs and tea. He stares at the white countertop with a blank expression on his face and his arms are wrapped tightly around himself.

Barry coaxes Dan into eating a few forkfuls of eggs and a sausage link and taking his stomach pills. He finally gives up on trying to get him to eat more and he draws Dan a bath and leaves him with the promise to check on him every fifteen minutes. With Dan in the tub, he goes to clean up the remnants of their breakfast.

  


\- - -

  


The water is scalding hot against his skin, but he doesn't care that he'll be bright pink when he gets out of the tub. The pain from the water gives him a lifeline to hang onto and focus on, because if it wasn't there, he'd shut down totally and completely.

He's home. It was a dream (or was it? He doesn't even fucking know what you would call that and right now he doesn't have the willpower to even try and figure it out). Barry is his roommate. He's single. Arin is married to Suzy.

_Arin._

The sting of tears return and Dan's lip curls in anger. He knew it would hurt but he had no idea that it would feel like his insides had been fucking carved out and thrown into a fire. Never in his life has he ever felt this... desolate. He feels hollow except for the pang of loss that doubles back with every goddamn beat of his heart. Fingers seek out the empty spot on his left hand where his wedding ring resided for the last six and a half months. It feels wrong.

Everything is wrong.

  


\- - -

  


_Hey man do you have any tips on comforting someone after a really bad panic attack?_

**Is everything ok??**

_Yeah yeah everything's okay I guess. I wanna make sure he's okay though and I don't know how to comfort him rn_

**For Suzy I usually get her set up in bed/on the couch with a fav movie and blankets and let her know that I'm available if she needs me for anything**

**Are you sure everything is ok??**

_Yeah I'm sure. It was just a bad fuckin panic attack and he's probably gonna be out of it all day so we won't be into the office_

_I'll try the movie thing tho. Ty for the suggestion._

**Np. If you need nothing lemme know**

_Thanks man_

  


\- - -

  


As expected, Dan's skin looks lightly sunburned when he gets out of the tub. He dresses and brushes his teeth in a daze, and when he attempts to go back to his room, Barry intercepts him.

"Let's watch a movie," he says, his voice soothing in the way that only Barry can really manage. Dan doesn't have the energy to fight so he nods and allows himself to be led to the living room. The couch is already piled with blankets and he settles himself inside of them while he waits for Barry to put in the movie. He manages to pull his lips into a minuscule smile when The Last Unicorn begins. Barry returns it with a smile of his own before sitting down at the opposite end of the couch.

Dan watches the familiar, beautiful animation on the television screen for a few minutes before he looks over at his roommate. "Bar?" His voice sounds horrible—it's wrecked from all the crying, making him sound like he's got laryngitis or something.

"Yeah, Dan?"

"Will you snuggle with me?" Barry nods and scoots down the couch until Dan can lean over and rest his head on his lap. Barry puts his hand tentatively on Dan's shoulder, and when he doesn't shrug it off, he begins to lightly stroke the spot with his thumb. "Thank you."

"Of course, buddy," Barry says quietly. "Are you warm enough?" Dan nods.

The familiar sounds and sights of the movie help calm the roaring static in Dan's head to a dull roar. Focusing on the movie is harder than it should be considering he knows it back to front.

"What's the date today?" Dan asks quietly, and Barry's hand stills on his back. _Please say it's October_ , Dan thinks, _b_ _ecause maybe then I won't be completely crazy._

"It's April twenty first," Barry says slowly, concern evident in his voice.

"Oh." He wants to cry again. It was October yesterday. He knows it was. He could smell the season in the air and taste the change on his tongue. Is he actually going crazy? He tugs the blankets closer around himself in a pathetic attempt to shield himself from everything. He's thankful that Barry doesn't say anything because he's pretty sure that he'd start crying again if he tried to talk.

When the movie ends, Danny swaps to the other end of the couch so that Barry can get up and do some work on his computer. Before he settles in the recliner, Barry puts in The Goonies. "Thank you," Dan tells him. Barry smiles and settles in the armchair and begins to work. Dan makes it halfway through the movie before drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

  


\- - -

  


It's sometime in the evening when Dan wakes up again. Barry is sitting at the kitchen table, and he perks up when he sees that Dan's awake. He's got Chinese food cartons scattered around the table. "I got your usual if you're hungry," he says, and Dan nods.

He lets Barry know he'll be back before going to relieve his straining bladder. While he washes his hands he examines the dark circles that have formed under his eyes. He looks at least ten years older than he actually is. Panic attacks really take it out of him and he hasn't had one that volatile in fucking years. The only upside to it is that he'll sleep well tonight because he's fucking exhausted down to his bones.

Back in the kitchen, Dan makes sure to take his evening medication before he sits down across from Barry. There's a can of Arizona green tea waiting for him, too. "Thank you," Dan tells him.

"No problem, man." Barry fishes a piece of firecracker shrimp out of his box. "You feelin' better?"

Dan chews his rice slowly so he doesn't have to answer right away. He does feel better than the assault of hellish emotion he had this morning but he still feels like the shittiest shit that was ever shat. That would go over well, he's sure.

What he says instead is, "yeah." They eat in silence for a few minutes before Dan speaks again. "Sorry you had to deal with my crazy ass all day. I know you had stuff to do." He hates imposing on his friends, especially when it's his own stupid hang-ups.

"Dude," Barry begins, and Dan looks up to see the soft look on his roommate's face. "Don't apologize. We all have days where shit gets to be too much." Barry chews on his bottom lip, a sure tell that he has something else he wants to say.

"What is it?" Dan asks.

"You... You were repeating Arin's name during your panic attack." Danny's eyes widen and he looks down at his food, embarrassed. "If you don't want to talk about it, I fully understand."

"I uh, I was having a really vivid nightmare where Arin died," Dan lies. He hates lying so much and he's usually terrible at it, but over the past six months (do they even fucking count?) he's gotten good at it, sadly. "I had a hard time distinguishing what was real and what wasn't when I woke up."

Barry grimaces. "Those are the absolute worst. I've been lucky enough to not have too many like that but the ones I have had sucked balls."

They chat idly as they finish their meal. Dan now has the added sour taste of guilt from lying in his mouth to go with the pulsating numbness he feels.

Dan turns in early after dinner is cleaned up. On his dresser sits his sword-shaped ring holder, and after staring at it for a moment, he grabs one of the plain silver bands and slides it onto his ring finger. It feels like coming home immediately. It's a small thing, but it helps.

The cool temperature of his room makes him shiver as he strips down to his boxers, making sure to chuck his t-shirt and socks into the hamper. The pajama bottoms he put on this morning aren't dirty, so he folds them up and slips them back into his top drawer.

The bed feels like it's the size of the goddamn ocean now that he's in it alone. It never bothered him before—he loved having room to sprawl out like a starfish. Sure, sometimes he missed having someone to cuddle with, but it wasn't a super big deal. Now? Now he feels alone and cold.

He lays there for several minutes feeling sorry for himself before a burst of genius hits him. He remembers that in real, human time, a few days ago he had had to borrow one of Arin's shirts since he was inept at basic motor skills and he had dropped Thai food all over himself. He digs through the hamper until he finds the light green shirt. He can't even bring himself to feel embarrassed when he brings it to his nose and sighs happily at the familiar scent of Arin, which is tinged slightly by his own cologne.

Once back in bed, Dan tugs the shirt over his body pillow, and finally, finally, he relaxes. It's not the same—he doesn't get the body heat or the prickly kisses or the wonderful feeling of Arin's bare legs against his, but it's as good as he's got and for now, that has to be enough.

  



	14. 14 - Somewhere in the Night

Dan has just gotten out of the shower when his phone vibrates. It's eight in the morning and he's supposed to record with Arin at ten. And, speak of the devil, it's Arin's name that is attached to the text message.

**You still up for recording?**

Dan frowns, confused as to why Arin thinks he wouldn't be up to record, and he realizes that Barry must've talked to him yesterday. He wants to be mad but he can't bring himself to since he knows that Barry was just worried about him.

_Yeah, man. I'm still a little off my game though :/_

**Np bro I'll do most of the talking today. We can play some frolf or something**

_Thanks boo_

The drive to the office is slow and uneventful and Dan takes the time to listen to some Rush and get as close to meditating as he can while still being aware of the slow traffic around him. Arin's car isn't in the parking lot when Dan arrives at the office. Suzy and Barry are the only ones in at the moment, and Dan has to literally bite his tongue to stop from asking Suzy how Vy is. Barry is helping Suzy with some editing thing and for a second Dan forgets that they're not married and the way Barry leans over Suzy's shoulder and nudges into her space is purely platonic.

"Morning, Danny!" Suzy chimes when the door closes behind him. He toes his sneakers off and tosses them into the tote by the door. "Arin is running a little late. He forgot his phone and had to run back home for it. He should be here within like, fifteen minutes."

"Kay," Dan mumbles and heads to the recording room after grabbing a bottle of Perrier and a granola bar from the kitchen. While he nibbles, he scrolls through his phone and spins his wedding—his _ring_ _—_ on his finger. He's singing quietly under his breath to one of his older songs and staring into space when Arin enters the room. He's so spaced out that he doesn't even notice that Arin is there until he leans over the back of the couch and drapes his arms around him. His heart shoots up into his throat and he wills himself to not cry. He can feel the prickle in the back of his nose, warning him.

"Were you singing Out of the Black Sea?" Arin questions, and Dan jerks his head so fast that he hears a tiny crack noise. He rubs at his neck. That’s going to be sore later. Arin backs out of his personal space and goes over to the game wall to find Frolf.

"You know Out of the Black Sea?" Dan is taken off guard hardcore. He knows that Arin has heard his old music but he didn't know he knew it well enough to recognize it.

"Of course, bro," Arin says like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "I know all of your music. I have the fucking CDs."

Dan can feel the blush spreading across his cheeks and if he had a heart problem, he would be very concerned by the fluttering palpitations going on in his chest. "Really?"

"Have you heard yourself sing dude? How could I not?" Arin puts the tiny disc into the GameCube and hands Dan one of the controllers. "It was cool to hear you singing it now. Your voice has improved so much since then."

Dan butts Arin's shoulder with his head and Arin ruffles his hair. "Thanks, Big Cat."

Arin slings his arm around Dan's shoulders and pulls the older man close when he goes to shift away. Tension flows through Dan's bony shoulders and Arin squeezes him tight. "Relax, Danny." If anything, Dan tenses even more.

"You never call me Danny," he says quietly. His voice warbles and he twists his ring again and winces.

"Are you okay?" Arin pulls Dan flush to his side. There aren't days like this often, but when they come around, they're pretty rough. He's not used to Dan being around him when he's like this, either. They usually communicate through text on those days, and then Dan will sometimes talk about what was bothering him a few days down the line when he's feeling back to normal. He generally takes a day for himself to regroup and then he's good. This time, however, Arin can sense that it won't be that easy. Dan shrugs and relaxes against Arin, finally. "If you don't want to record today, that's fine."

"Can we just sit here for a while?" Dan asks. "I'll be okay in a while, promise. I just... I need some cuddles, if that's okay."

"You're not my snuggleman for nothing," Arin quips, and Dan giggles quietly.

While they relax together in the darkness of the recording room, Dan allows himself this one last hurrah. Being close to Arin has been his tether to the ground for nearly five years whenever he feels like he's going to float away. It's tearing him apart inside to know the side of Arin he can't have, because now he knows that he wants everything.

He's strong, though, and he's been through heartbreak before. He lived then, and he'll live now. He has to.

  


\- - -

  


From where he's hunched over his Tupperware container of whole wheat pasta and pesto, mindlessly poking at it but not actually eating, Arin watches Dan work on something NSP related on his laptop. He's curled up in blankets on his spot on the couch with his huge headphones on, blind and deaf to the sounds of the office around him. At this vantage point, Arin can see the glint of his ring as he fiddles with the trackpad.

"If you're trying to explode his head with your mind," Brian says, scaring the ever loving fuck out of Arin as he sits down next to him, "I'm here to tell you that it is scientifically impossible. Believe me. I've tried."

Arin doesn't take the bait. "Do you think Dan's mad at me?"

Brian frowns. "Danny doesn't get mad at people, dude. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've seen him legitimately angry at a person. If he gets angry, it's at video games or football."

"I know, I know, he's a fucking fluffy bunny inside," Arin says grumpily, stabbing a noodle with more force than necessary, "but it feels like I did something wrong. Like, y'know how he was when he first joined? All 'no homo' and shit?" Brian nods. "He's started doing that again. And you know me, I live to make him squirm but he seems genuinely uncomfortable now and that's a completely different story, dude." Brian understands completely. He pushes the boundaries of everyone around him, but not to an extent where they're genuinely not okay with it. "He gets all jittery when I touch him and shit. Like, I thought we'd moved past that shit a year and a half ago or whatever."

Brian contemplates the situation while he chews his sandwich. "Have you tried talking to him about it?"

Arin grumbles under his breath. "No," he admits. "How the fuck would I even start that? 'Hey, bro, I noticed you suddenly don't wanna get all homo with me anymore. What's up with that?' Yeah, that'd go over well."

"Well," Brian says thoughtfully, "let it be known that you are nothing if not blunt." Arin sighs and scrubs his hand over his face. His beard makes a scratchy sound against his nails. He needs to trim it. "Arin, if you're worried, talk to him. It won't do you any good to sit there and wonder if he's mad at you—which, I assure you, he isn't—when you could just fucking ask him and get on with it."

"I love you, Bri, but sometimes I want to punch you so hard your PhD falls off of the wall and explodes."

"The loss of the certificate does not equal the loss of the PhD, Arin."

"Right," Arin says sharply, standing up. "I'm going to go before I make you deep throat your sandwich. Good talk." He's halfway through snapping the lid back on his container when Brian speaks up.

"I'm serious, though. Talk to him. Nothing will change if you don't act." Brian smiles and Arin sighs. For an asshole, he really was good at not being an asshole like, 10% of the time.

"I know. Thanks, Bri."

  


\- - -

  


Brian gets his own chance to talk to Dan when the man in question bursts into the room he's playing piano in a few days later. "Of course, Dan, make yourself at home," he says dryly, pausing in the middle of the chord progression he was trying out. "I wasn't busy at all."

Dan sits on the piano bench next to Brian and his normally calm eyes are almost frantic. "What do you know about the multiverse theory?"

The fuck?

"Aside from the fact that it's entirely illogical and implausible and is therefore bullshit?"

Dan rubs at the bridge of his nose. "Fuckin'... humor me here, Bri. Please."

Brian side-eyes Dan for a moment. "The theory encapsulates four different types of parallel universe. I'm guessing that the one you suddenly want to know about is the third one, the one that you see in movies and shit." Dan nods. "A type 3 parallel universe is the universe that is the alternate/mirrored reality universe. This type of parallel universe arises out of the Many Worlds Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics to approach the phenomenon of wave-function collapse." Dan looks blank and Brian hedges on. "The MWI says that for every possible quantum option, there is another universe in which such an option is realized."

Dan is quiet for nearly a minute and Brian can read the tension that twists through his friend's muscles, causing him to curl in on himself slightly. He hasn't seen Dan this tightly wound in years.

"So, like, in a parallel universe I could be gay at the same time as me being straight in this one?" Brian's eyebrows raise so fast that they nearly skyrocket into orbit. Dan feels weird calling himself straight now but he'll have time later to figure out _that_ queer mess.

"Hypothetically, yes. Are you trying to tell me something?" If Dan was ever going to come out to him as something other than straight, Brian did not expect for it to be done this way.

Dan ignores the loaded question. "How viable is it that something like that actually exists and that someone could actually go between them?"

"It's more viable for me to turn into Superman."

Dan thinks about telling Brian because Brian is a fucking physicist and this is something he understands on a scientific level but he knows he'll sound batshit crazy. He feels insane enough without someone telling him he is directly to his face, a thing Brian wouldn't hesitate to do. "No, no... I just... I had a dream last night about it and it's been on my mind on and off all day."

Brian doesn't really buy it but what else is he suppose to say? Dan has always been a shit liar, but this time around he doesn't even know how to call him on it. While he has Dan there with him, away from the rest of the office, he stares him down and Dan scoots back as much as the bench allows him. It's been a long time since the Ninja Brian stare was directed at him in a legit manner and not just for shits and giggles.

"You really need to talk to Arin," Brian says and the moment the words are out of his mouth, Dan's entire demeanor shifts. He goes from being easy to read to a fucking enigma in half a second flat and Brian hates it.

"Everything is fine." Dan sounds more like he's trying to convince himself than he is Brian.

"That's bullshit and you know it." Part of why Dan loves Brian is because he's blunt as hell and says exactly what he thinks but right now it's making him kind of want to scream. Everyone needs to leave him alone. "Arin is positive that he's done something wrong. I don't know what shit you're going through right now but don't take Arin down with you."

Dan stands up so fast he stumbles. He backs toward the door. "You're right. You don't know what's going on with me right now, and I understand that you're trying to help but you need to butt the fuck out of this."

Brian just stares at him for a long while before asking the one thing he never thought he'd have to ask again. "Are you smoking or drinking again?"

Dan wants to throw up. It feels like he's swallowed a lead cannonball and he can taste metal in his mouth. He realizes a moment later that he's bitten into the inside of his lip hard enough to draw blood. He can't even bring himself to speak. Of all the things Brian has ever said to him, even during the tumultuous time when they thought NSP might not make it, nothing has ever gutted him this much.

He manages to make it out of the booth and to the door of the office space before the tears begin to fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Description of the multiverse theory comes from here: http://bit.ly/2hqJwB8


	15. 15 - We Throw Away the Things We Want Most

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rife with drinking and bad choices. Drink responsibly, kids.

At the age of thirty seven, Dan likes to think that he's reigned in his issues with impulse control, but where he is and what he's doing is slam dunking that notion into a black hole. He's still angry and hurt, and as he pushes his way through the throng of bodies (catching many appreciative looks along the way) to the bar, he thinks that if Brian wants to ask him if he's drinking again, maybe he just should. It's childish and stupid and a bad idea in every sense of the word, and quite frankly, he doesn't give a fuck. He'd honestly prefer a joint or a nice bowl of weed over alcohol, but he doesn't know where to get any anymore, though he has an idea. Going into that part of LA at night though is practically a death sentence so he just sticks with the alcohol.

It's been a long damn time since he's been in a bar. He only has to wait a handful of seconds before the bartender turns to him. He's an attractive man in his mid-twenties with tunnels in his ears and a nose ring.

"What can I get for you, handsome?"

"A shot of Morgan's pineapple rum, please," he says, already fishing a ten out of his wallet. By the time he's got the bill out, the shot glass is on the bar in front of him. He hands the ten to the bartender. "Keep the change." The man tips his head in thanks and Dan smiles before grabbing the shot and knocking it back before he can give it enough thought to remember why this is a bad idea.

He nearly chokes from the burn. He's never been good at shots, and considering he hasn't had more than a sip of anything since around 2012, a shot is one helluva way to reintroduce his body to alcohol. It burns like a motherfucker going down, and it tastes like, you guessed it, alcohol. It's not as harsh since he chose a white rum, but fuck, does it still pack a punch. Warmth spreads throughout Dan's body, and his fingertips are tingling when he puts the glass back on the bar.

The music is loud and the bass thumps through the floor. Dan allows himself to meld into the crowd of dancing people, and through the growing haze of alcohol he's proud of himself for not freaking out about being surrounded on all sides by gay men. If anything, he's kind of enjoying it, though he's not quite sure if that's the alcohol talking.

When he starts feeling fuzzy and loose, he finds a non-imposing looking man in the clusterfuck of people and begins to dance with him. He doesn't have to think or panic or remember anything right now, and it's fucking great. All he's gotta do is feel—feel the bass pounding in his feet and the lightness in his body from the rum and the warmth of the body he's pressed against while they grind to the music.

At some point—Dan's not entirely too sure when, as he's still growing more affected by the alcohol and stuff is a little hazy around the edges—the man pulls him off to one of the darkened areas of the bar and they tangle together against the wall. The man is built a lot like Arin, and Dan hears himself moan quietly as the weight of a thicker body presses against his own slim frame.

The stranger tastes like cinnamon and whiskey, and his tongue is pierced. Dan has never kissed anyone with a tongue piercing before, and the metal feels odd against his teeth. The foreign feeling sends a shock through his system and he realizes that this is all wrong. It's not the way it's supposed to be. There's not supposed to be a tongue ring and there isn't the scratch of facial hair against the skin of his neck as the stranger sucks a hickey into his flesh. He smells awesome, like some expensive cologne, and that isn't right either because it's not the smell of Old Spice and laundry detergent and sweat. Dan pushes the man back. "I'm sorry," he gasps out. "I have to go. I'm sorry."

"Are you okay, man?" the guy asks. Dan hasn't realized yet that there are tears running down his face.

"Yeah, yeah, I just—I gotta—" He doesn't even finish the statement before bolting. Claustrophobia claws at his insides as he fights his way through the throng of people, and he's bordering on panic by the time he stumbles out the door past the bouncer. Outside, he nearly falls flat on his ass because he's thrown his equilibrium off.

Why did he do this? What did he think he was trying to prove?

Concentrating on the fuzz of inebriation helps Danny pass the time while he waits for his über. His hair is frizzy underneath his fingertips while he sproings a curl repeatedly, watching it bounce. When his ride arrives, he spits out an address and only when he pulls up in front of Suzy and Arin's house does he realize his mistake.

  


\- - -

  


Dan is surprised that it takes nearly forty minutes for the front door to open behind him. He's sitting on the front steps, counting the seconds as they tick by. His bony ass has gone numb from the hard brick of the stairs. He's at 2297 when Suzy calls his name.

"Danny?"

He raises his hand in acknowledgement. He's still drunk, but things aren't as hazy as they were.

"What are you doing out here?" Suzy pads across the warm cement barefooted and she sits down next to Dan. Immediately, she's hit with the scent of alcohol and she wrinkles her nose. "Are you drunk?"

"Almost," Dan says flatly, "but not completely." He turns to look at her and her eyes zero in on the hickey on his neck.

"Did... did you hook up with somebody at a bar?" What the fuck? Dan laughs hollowly and buries his face in his hands. "What the hell is going on with you, Danny?"

He had expected her to be mad, mad at him showing up uninvited and mad at him for being an asshole for the past several weeks and mad that he'd been drinking, but she just sounds sad. That makes two of them, honestly.

"I'm sorry, Suzy," he says quietly. He brings his knees up to his chest and pillows his forehead against them. He can't bring himself to look her in the face.

"Sorry for what, Danny?" Her voice is soft and soothing, and it would usually make Dan smile but now it just makes him feel like a piece of shit because he doesn't deserve this kindness. "Look at me." He looks up, face streaked with tears, and he wants to scream in frustration when she wipes some of them off with her sleeve.

"I...I'm in love with Arin," he says, not meeting her eyes because he can't. "I don't know how long I have been and I didn't mean for it to happen and the last thing I want to do is hurt you guys and I wish I'd never realized it because this hurts so much and there's nothing I can do. I fucking went to a gay bar and made out with a strange man and had my first drink in like seven years to try and forget and I feel like a fucking teenage girl or some shit and I'm sorry." It all comes out in one breath and it feels both liberating and suffocating to get it off his chest.

Suzy squeezes his hand tight. "Dan." He doesn't move. "Daniel, look at me." He's expecting fiery, angry green eyes and to be told to go to hell when he looks up, but Suzy doesn't look mad. He can't quite name the emotion on her face, but he knows it isn't anger. "You have nothing to apologize for."

Dan barks out a laugh that's humorless and sniffles. "I'm in love with your husband, Suze. I'm pretty sure I have a _lot_ to apologize for."

"You don't get to pick who you fall in love with, Dan." It's spoken so matter of factly, like she'd said the sky is blue or that snow is cold. He's quiet. He can sense her hesitation in saying what she wants to next. He raises his eyebrows to give her the go ahead, and she grimaces before she speaks. "So are you into all guys, or just Arin? That sounds so fucking douchey but I'm trying to understand."

He sniffles again. "I'd like to understand it myself. I'm almost forty. I didn't think there was anything about me that could surprise me at this point but I guess I was wrong. I didn't see me being a fag coming, that's for sure."

"Danny," Suzy says, her words sharp. "Don't."

"Sorry," he says quietly. "I'm just... I'm angry and I'm confused and I'm sad. I shouldn't have said that." She pulls him close so that his head is leaning on her shoulder.

"You're not a fag, okay? You're still Dan, no matter what. If you like girls and just Arin, that's fine. If you find you like boys and girls, that's also fine."

"Why are you so understanding about this?"

Suzy sighs. "Because there are things that you can't change, and things that you can change. Knowing the difference will keep you from going crazy."

"Did you just paraphrase the serenity prayer?"

"Am I wrong?"

He's quiet for a moment before finally saying, "no."

They sit in the stillness of the California night for several minutes before Suzy helps Dan to his feet. He's still unstable from the alcohol. Now that he's upright, he sees that Arin's car is missing from the driveway. "C'mon in. I'll make you some tea and then you can sleep. We finally got the guest bedroom set up."

Dan sits at the table while Suzy makes tea. The house is dark and the only lights that are on are the kitchen and a lamp in the living room. Suzy's DS is plugged in and still glowing from where she paused it. The cats wind around Dan's feet while he waits for Suzy to make his tea, and he reaches down to scratch Mimi between the ears. The clunk of a mug on the table startles the cat away and Dan gratefully takes the mug into his hands.

He's halfway through his sleepy time tea before Suzy speaks again. "You'll have to tell him, you know," she says. Her voice is quiet. She looks pensive.

"I know. I just... I'm afraid I'll lose him when I do."

"You won't lose him." From across the table, Suzy pats his hand.

"How can you be so sure?" He loves Suzy's confidence but even she doesn't know everything.

Her eyes are unreadable. "You'll just have to trust me."

"Okay."

When he's finished with his tea, Suzy leads him to the spare room and brings him some clothes to sleep in. Before leaving him to change, she hugs him close. He's startled, but he gratefully winds his arms around her and squeezes back. "I love you, Danny. _We_ love you. It'll all work out."

"I love you too, Scuze."

They exchange good nights before Dan is left in the dark. He's still mildly tipsy and the alcohol combined with the tea is making him tired as shit.

He's out like a light in five minutes.


	16. 16 - The Vast Divided Skies We're Meant to Fly

  


Arin's footsteps plod dully as he clomps down the hallway towards the staircase. He's only half awake, and when he passes the door to the guest room and sees Mimi sleeping atop a familiar lump adorned with a mass of messy brown curls, he has to backtrack to make sure he's not seeing things. No, that's definitely Dan Avidan with a cat on top of him in the guest bed. He scratches his head, confused. "The fuck?" he mumbles and continues his earlier path downstairs.

Mochi mews at him quietly when he enters the kitchen, and he pauses to scratch his ears. Suzy has set out the ingredients for him to make eggs, and she's drinking a cup of coffee at the table. She's dressed in a comfy hoodie and sweatpants and her hair is piled on top of her head. She's got no make up on and she's just as gorgeous as the day Arin met her.

Arin jerks his thumb backwards, pointing out of the room. "Why is Dan asleep upstairs?" He had been at the office late working on a Gameoverse thing with Ross and he hadn't gotten in until almost one, and Suzy was already in bed. He was so tired he hadn't noticed the guest room was occupied.

"Don't worry about it right now," she tells him. "Eat breakfast first."

Arin nods and begins the relaxing routine of making his breakfast. Suzy's right. He doesn't function at full capacity in the morning until he's eaten something. He's halfway through his plate of scrambled eggs when Suzy puts a bottle of extra strength Tylenol on the table in front of him. Arin raises his eyebrow in question.

"When Dan wakes up, give him two of these and a glass of tap water. Make sure you're not too loud, either." Arin furrows his brow. That sounds like a hangover.

"Was Dan... was he drunk last night?" No way in hell. Suzy purses her lips.

"In his own words, 'not quite, but almost', though it was kinda obvious that he had been a lot drunker earlier." Arin actually drops his fork.

"What the fuck?" And Brian said he had been overreacting. Something was definitely wrong. "Why?"

Suzy shakes her head and grabs her purse from where it's sitting on the counter. "I have to go," she tells him, effectively dodging the question. She has a series of doctor's appointments this morning and while Arin usually went with her, she had assured him that she was fine.

"Call me if you need me," Arin says. Suzy pecks his lips, and instead of pulling back like she usually would, she hugs him tight. Confused, he hugs her back. "Suzy?"

"I want you to remember that what ever happens, I love you and I support your decision, okay?"

"O...Kay?" Fuck, it's too early in the morning for this kind of cryptic bullshit. "Suzy, what's going on?"

Again, she dodges the question and she tells him she loves him before escaping out the door. He groans loudly and picks up his empty plate so he can wash it. He's never been good with the whole cryptic thing and the fact that Suzy's doing it to him is aggravating.

Arin has just finished putting away the clean dishes when Dan stumbles barefooted into the kitchen. "Fuck the sun," he mumbles and sits down heavily at the table. He's wearing an old pair of Arin's pajamas and one of his shirts and he's positively swimming in them. Arin tugs the blinds closed and Dan sighs in relief. "Thank you."

After filling a cup with cool water from the tap, Arin nudges Dan with his elbow to get his attention. Dan jerks like he's been smacked and Arin feels his stomach lodge itself somewhere around his knees. "You should have some Tylenol," he says flatly, and Dan doesn't look at him when he takes the proffered pills and water. "Make sure you drink all of that. You're probably dehydrated."

"Yeah," he mumbles, and it's only when Dan tilts his head back to take the aspirin that Arin sees the hickey on his neck. An emotion that he refuses to give a name to (because the name would be too close to jealousy) grumbles through his tummy.

"That's some hickey," Arin points out, and Dan's fingers tighten on the cup. There's a purple stamp on Dan's hand and he has to turn his head to make it out. 'The Bullet'... it takes a second for Arin to remember that that's a gay bar in Burbank. Suddenly, Arin feels like he's looking at a stranger and he wants to cry.

Dan sets down his now empty glass and finally looks at Arin, and when he catches sight of the expression on his friend's face, he realizes he's staring right at the stamp on his hand. Fuck. "Can we talk?"

Arin nods curtly and heads to the living room without a word, and Dan follows him with a sigh. Arin is mad and he doesn't blame him in the least. He's been hiding so much from him these past two months, an enormous change from him sharing basically every facet of his life with Arin.

Arin is waiting on the couch, curled against the arm. He's picking at his fingernails and tapping his foot. All he can think about is how scared he is that Dan is going to say he's leaving. He wants to leave and Arin is going to be alone all over again and it's overwhelming to just think about. Dan sits opposite him and they stare at each other in silence for too long to be comfortable. Trying to make his mouth work is proving to be much more difficult than it should be; his tongue feels like a brick and he just can't seem to get any words out. He opens and closes his mouth several times before burying his face in his hands. Arin watches the struggle, feeling pain bloom in his chest because he doesn't know what to do.

After another minute of spluttering and trying to figure out how to say it, the words just start to pour out, like he's gone and overflowed. "I... I'm sorry that I've been so distant and weird and such an asshole lately. I've been struggling with some shit that I realized and didn't know how to deal with but that's no excuse for how I've been acting because you're the most important person in my life, and..." Dan uncovers his face and his eyes are brimming with tears. "I'm in love with you and I never meant for it to happen and I'm so, so sorry. I wanted to get over it by myself but I can't and you deserve to know the truth."

It feels like he's taken a step off the top of a ten story building. His stomach has swooped so hard that he's pretty sure his body actually jolted with the feeling. The heartbreak is clear as day in Dan's voice, Arin's own heart is breaking because a year and a half ago he had been in the same boat.

He had felt like the worst piece of shit when he realized it because he has this beautiful, kind, amazing woman as his wife and yet he'd fallen in love with his best friend. He had gone to Suzy in tears and told her everything and she had been more understanding than anyone deserved. She had tried to get him to talk to Dan but he refused because as far as he had known, Dan Avidan was the straightest fucking man on the planet and there was no way he was going to alienate him like that. It was his problem and he would deal with it on his own, and he had. Mostly.

He still loves Dan. It had been a deep wound to deal with, and for the most part it had healed over in acceptance, though hearing Dan's confession feels like the scab has been ripped right off.

He realizes that this, _this_ was what Suzy meant when she said that whatever happens is okay, that she supports him. It feels like a knife is wrenching in his gut because it comes down choosing whether to break two hearts or one, and he never wanted to have to do this.

Arin knows he's been quiet for too long when Dan sniffles loudly. The tears are streaming down his face and his chin is quivering with the force of holding back. "Arin, please say something."

He scoots closer and cups Dan's jaw. His stubble scratches at his hand, and he can see the tears clinging to Danny's long eyelashes. He's so beautiful that it hurts, sometimes.

It's pure impulse that makes him do what he does next. Arin kisses Dan hard, and he can taste the salt from both of their tears on his lips. Underneath the bitterness is the softness and sweetness that he had dreamed of for months. Dan clings to him because God, it's like coming home after so long, but he can taste what's coming in the back of his throat. The sob he had been holding in escapes when Arin pulls away. He clenches his eyes shut when Arin rests his forehead against his because he can't bear to look at him. He feels like he's flying apart at the seams, and seeing the pain on Arin's face would make it all the more painful.

Arin cups the back of Dan's neck and Dan covers his hand with his own. Arin's wedding band is a stark reminder against Dan's skin that the band he now dons on his own finger is no longer its twin. "I love you, too. So fucking much, Dan, but I can't. I can't and I'm so, so sorry."

He knew it was coming but that does nothing to soften the blow. Dan's controlled quiet crying just breaks and the sobs break free. His whole body is shaking and Arin pulls him close. His entire body sags against Arin's and he just lets go and wails. The experience of the last however fucking long it's been has drained him emotionally like nothing else ever has and fuck, he's been trying to hold it together since he woke up in the normal world two months ago, and it's slowly killing him. With no one to talk to about his bizarre experience, all of the confusion and anger has been turning inwards and finally, he's letting it out.

They have no idea how long they sit curled together, both of them crying at the loss of something they never really got to have, but it's long enough that they're both fucking exhausted.

"I don't hold it against you," he says, voice rough. He's still sniffling and his breathing is shaky, but the tears have finally subsided. Arin kisses his temple and he doesn't have to say anything. They lay in somber silence for a long time.

  


\- - -

  


Suzy comes home hoping for the best. She's tired from her appointments and she's sore from being prodded with needles. All the exhaustion melts away, however, when she finds her husband laying on his back on the couch staring blankly at the ceiling. "Baby?" Her purse clinks quietly when she sets it on the floor. It's the only sound in the quiet room (which Arin can't usually stand) and it almost feels like she's intruding on something but she doesn't know what. Arin raises his hand slightly to acknowledge he's heard her. 

"Hey."

Suzy sits down on the edge of the couch and brushes Arin's hair out of his face. She can tell he's been crying. "Where's Dan?"

"He went home about half an hour ago." He turns his eyes to her. "I kissed him."

"It's okay," Suzy assures him. "I told you I would support you no matter what happens, and I meant it." Arin captures her hand in his and kisses her knuckles. "I take it it didn't go well?"

Arin's eyes are glassy with unshed tears. "I couldn't, Suze. I love him, _God_ , do I love him." He chuckles but it's a hollow sound. "I love him and those words were what I always wanted to hear, but I can't do that to you."

"Oh, Arin," Suzy whispers. "It's okay for you to have so much love that you can't contain it to one person. It's not a bad thing."

"But it is," Arin insists. His face is getting red and tears have begun to leak down the sides of his face, running into his hair. "I made a vow to you, Suzy, and I mean those now as much as I did then."

Suzy nudges Arin further into the couch so she can lay down next to him. They're turned on their sides facing each other, and Arin is still clutching her hand. She wipes at his tears with the free one. "I know you do, and that's why it's okay. I'm not trying to push you into anything, but I want you to know that it is one hundred percent okay that you love me _and_ Dan. I'm okay with whatever you choose, because ultimately I want you to be happy."

"I don't know if that's something I can do," Arin admits, burying his face against Suzy's hair. The scent of her shampoo fills his head and relaxes him a fraction. He loves this girl with his heart and soul and he has for nearly fourteen years, and he never thought he would need anyone else. He had done his thing, had gone off to California and broke Suzy's heart so that he could be selfish and see what was out there. When he realized his mistake he vowed to never fucking hurt her like that again. Wasn't this a repeat of that? He would rather break his own heart a thousand times over than break Suzy's once. He would do the same for Dan, too, and that's what scares him so much.

"We've got our vacation coming up in a few days," Suzy reminds him. "You can use that time away from Dan and work and everything else to sleep on it, okay? Whatever you choose, it'll all work out."

Arin hugs her closer. What did he do right in this world to be graced with Suzy? "I hope so, baby. I really hope so."

  


\- - -

  


Dan glances at the time on the clock next to the bed. It's around midnight and he's only just gotten back to his hotel room. He's at MAGfest while Suzy, Arin, and Jean are in Japan and it's still a little strange to be at a con without Arin since he's become so accustomed to them all being together for them. He found himself turning to point something out to Arin several times throughout the day only to remember he was on the other side of the globe and he had been thankful for the distraction of readying himself for the NSP/TWRP concert that evening so he could escape the loneliness it caused.

The concert had been mind blowing. It was the biggest crowd he had ever played for at three thousand people, and afterwards he learned that a couple hundred more had been turned away at the door due to capacity problems with the venue. It's hard to believe his dreams are finally coming true. It also really sucks that the person he owes the most to isn't with him right now.

It's been a week and a half since "the conversation" and he and Arin haven't talked much. A few text conversations here and there, but not much else. Dan knows they need time apart to process, but it still sucks. He misses Arin every time they're apart on vacation, and it's no different this time even if things are really rocky right now.

The cost on his phone bill is going to be outlandish for calling Japan, but he doesn't really give a shit right now because he's still riding the adrenaline of performing and he needs to talk to Arin. He decides that he should text him first and make sure that he's not interrupting family time.

_You awake? I dunno what time it is over there so if it's unreasonably late or something I'm sorry for waking you_

**Nah man it's like four in the afternoon.**

_Are you busy rn?_ _I don't wanna interrupt your Japan time_

**I'm just chillin in the room since it's raining. Jean and Suz are having some girly makeup party or some shit in jeans room**

**I can hear the giggling**

_Can I call you?_

**Go ahead**

Arin answers on the first ring and Dan's stomach does a backflip when he says hello. It's the first time he's heard Arin's voice in almost two weeks and it washes over him like a warm spring rain. The rejection still hurts (and it's gonna hurt for a long time) but now that it's out in the open, he's starting to work through it. Dan takes a deep breath to center himself.

"Sorry if I sound like I just downed a pack of Camel 100s," Dan teases, his voice gravelly, "the show really kicked my ass near the end."

Arin ignores the way the roughness of Dan's voice makes him tingle, and he rolls onto his back on the bed. He can still hear Suzy and Jean giggling through the wall. "I wish I could've been there, man. I love watching you perform."

Dan blushes and fiddles with his hair nervously. "I wish you had been there, too." The line is quiet for a moment, and Dan barrels on ahead. "There were so many people, Arin! I think they said 3,000 with another couple hundred that couldn't get in."

"Fuck, dude, that's incredible!" Arin listens to Dan gush about the performance with a big smile on his face. He loves listening to people talk about what they're passionate about, and Dan's passion for music is inspiring, in all honesty. When he finally started drawing again, Dan had inadvertently helped by reminding Arin that part of being a creator is being passionate about something that might not be a masterpiece. What matters is that you created it by doing something you love.

"I promise I'll be at the next performance," Arin tells him when he's finally slowed down the rambling. "How has the rest of the con been?"

"Good. Gross. The usual," Dan teases and stifles a cough. "I think I caught the con funk the second we touched down. Mine and Bri's panel was today so I think I'm gonna spend most of tomorrow in my room."

"I'm pretty sure MAGfest is actually trying to kill us," Arin muses, and Dan giggles. "What're you gonna do all day?"

Dan chews on his bottom lip. "I've actually been writing a song and I think I might email Pete about it tomorrow. We've been chatting back and forth a bit for a few months anyway. It couldn't hurt, right?"

Dan rarely talks about Skyhill, and hearing that he's working on reconnecting with Pete and thinking about doing a song with him excites Arin. "Dude, that would be awesome. I can't wait to hear it."

"Thank you, baby girl." The pet name slips out, and over the phone Dan hears the quiet intake of breath. "Sorry."

"Don't be," Arin says quietly. "I love it when you call me baby girl."

"Yeah?"

"It makes me feel pretty," he admits shyly, and Dan squirms in place where he's sitting on his hotel bed. He can hear Arin's blush and he wishes he could see it.

"You are pretty," Dan tells him. "Breathtaking, even." Arin's breath wavers and he exhales shakily. "Sorry, that was uncalled for."

  


"It's okay," Arin says, and it is. He can feel the love Dan has for him in each word and it warms him from the inside out. "I... I miss you, man."

"I miss you, too. Are we... are we okay?" He's probably overstepping some sort of boundary since they were supposed to be taking time apart to breathe and let the dust settle, but it's gnawing at him from the inside and he needs to know that they're gonna be okay.

"You'll have to do a lot more than this to get rid of me, Danny," Arin says with sincerity. Dan's stomach lurches at being called Danny, but he doesn't comment on it.

"Good, cause I don't want rid of you." They both go quiet, but this time it's not as awkward. He can hear Arin's breathing from the other end of the phone and it's calming. He's starting to get sleepy and he still needs to get the day's worth of confunk™ off of his body before he can sleep. "It's late and I need to take a nice bath to get the confunk™ off of me."

"Promise you won't drown?" Arin teases, and Dan snorts out a giggle.

"I promise. I'll text you some time tomorrow if that's okay?" Danny digs through his duffel bag until he finds his toiletries and the shirt of Arin's he's been keeping on his pillow. It's starting to lose its scent and Dan's gonna need to kidnap a different one soon, but he'll deal with shirt capture at a later date.

"Text me whenever," Arin says, and Dan can hear the quiet murmur of television from the opposite side of the line. "I'll reply when I can."

"I'll see you next week. I—I love you." He doesn't know if it's appropriate anymore but he has always said it before getting off the phone because it's important. He'll only stop if Arin asks him to.

"I love you too, Dan. Sleep tight as a butthole." Dan nearly drops his phone and he chokes on his spit at the unexpected comment. He's giggling uncontrollably and even with his phone nowhere near his ear he can hear Arin's hysterical laughter.

"Oh, God, Arin!" Dan cries when he finally rights himself, "I'm gonna go before you make me choke to death. Love you, you fuckin' freak." Arin shouts it back happily and they hang up.

It's gonna be okay. They're stronger than they think, and they're worth so much to each other that they refuse to let it ruin them.

  


\- - -

  


Dan gives Arin two days to recalibrate from the trip from Japan, since he knows firsthand how exhausting international flights can be. Arin is still a little sluggish when they get together that evening, just the two of them. Suzy is spending time with Holly, making costumes or crafts or whatever. It's not anywhere near as awkward as he had expected it to be, and the tension doesn't make him want to choke, so he considers it a win.

In the room that has been delegated for Arin's eight bajillion figurines and collectibles, the two of them have curled up on a sumo beanbag. It's one of the most comfortable rooms in the house, and it's so similar to the grump room in design that Dan immediately feels relaxed.

His song notebook is open in his lap and he's fiddling with the corner of the page. Arin watches him, not saying anything. Dan is usually incredibly excited to share new lyrics, but because this is quote unquote 'serious music' it's different than showing off a great line about banging and dicks.

"If you don't want to show me, you don't have to, man," Arin assures him, and Dan frowns.

"That's not it, it's just... it's personal, and not just stupid nonsense about dicks and girls and shit." He absently twirls a chunk of his curls around his finger, tighter and tighter until it's starting to cut off the circulation. The hair tugging and twirling is something he picked up from his little 'adventure' into crazy man's land. Arin grabs hold of his hand and unwinds the hair. When he's free, Arin threads his fingers through Dan's own and holds him tight. Something in his chest seizes because it's such a familiar gesture from Arin when at the same time he's never really experienced this in reality.

For something that apparently happened in his head, though, all of the calluses on Arin's palm are exactly where Dan remembers them, and their hands still fit together like puzzle pieces. Dan tears his gaze away from their interlocked hands to look up at Arin. He doesn't expect Arin to be watching him so closely. The inner turmoil must be showing on his face because Arin makes a move to release Dan's hand. Dan squeezes his hand tight, and Arin squeezes back.

"Did you get ahold of Pete?" Arin asks, finally breaking the silence.

"Yeah, I did actually. The only part I've got fully completed is the chorus, and I gave him the chord progression that I was working with and he's been whipping up some tasty melodies to go with it. It'll move faster once I finish the verses and the bridge." Arin listens intently while Dan explains the way he's working with Pete, and it's different than what Arin is used to when working with Dan on music because they can work face to face. After a few minutes of rambling about harmonies, Dan blushes, embarrassed. "I've been talking too much. Sorry."

Arin lightly squeezes Dan's hand again. "Nah, man. I love listening to people talk about what they're passionate about. Like, when you talk about music your eyes light up and you get this expression on your face, like, I dunno how to explain it but it's beautiful, man." Dan nudges Arin's shoulder with his head down.

"Arin," he whines, clearly embarrassed.

"Danny," Arin mocks lightly, nudging Dan back. "Can I hear what you've got?"

  


"Y-yeah." Dan stares up at the ceiling, finding he can't look Arin in the face. It's different singing something you wrote about someone _to_ the person itself. Yeah, he had written an entire album about his breakup with Rachel, but he hadn't had to see her reaction to the songs. Peppermint Creams had been different, since it was comedy and his girlfriend at the time had thought it was hysterical. He's nervous and he never gets nervous before he performs, no matter how large or small the audience.

He hums a few bars before beginning. "Just like fireflies, briefly held, meant to be let go somewhere in the night. The words you spoke will always light an echo in my mind; a last goodbye, one breath within our ever shifting lives. The vast divided skies were meant to fly..." His voice is quiet but clear, and he's grateful that it doesn't tremble since every part inside of him is. When he finishes, all Dan hears is the sound of Arin's breathing. He's startled when Arin takes his notebook off his chest and sets it on the floor before claiming its spot with his head. Arin can hear the frantic beat of Dan's heart under his ear.

"Arin?" Dan asks. He tangles his fingers in Arin's soft hair, enjoying the sensation of the silky strands on his skin. "I upset you, didn't I? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have—"

"Are we okay?" Arin interrupts. Dan's skin is warm against his arm where he has it slung over his waist. Dan's heart is thumping wildly and Arin sneaks his thumb underneath the hem of Dan's shirt and gently rubs his hipbone. Dan twitches, surprised, but he relaxes marginally.

"I'm okay if you're okay," Dan says, scratching lightly at Arin's scalp with his fingertips. This is nice. Despite everything, he and Arin have always been very touchy-feely and cuddling wasn't a new thing, but he hadn't expected too much of it, all things considered.

"Are you, though?" Arin asks.

"I'm working on it," Dan says truthfully. "It's uh, it's hard, as you know. I never wanted to make this hard on us, you know."

Arin laughs dryly. "You caused as much trouble as I did, Dan."

"Yeah, but—"

"Dan, we both fell in love." Hearing Arin say it causes a swoop in Dan's tummy. "...Are you upset that I can't give us what we want?"

"Truthfully, yeah." Arin stiffens and Dan continues quickly. "How could I not be? You're fucking amazing in every sense of the goddamn word, Arin. Of course I'm upset that I don't get to experience you in every way. Do I hold it against you though? Not in the slightest." Relief floods through Arin and he relaxes again. "I'm just glad that I get to have you in my life at all, you know?"

Arin doesn't answer, but he doesn't have to. Dan already knows that he understands. They can't have what they truly want, but they're happy enough with what they've got because what they have, in the end, is each other. Dan had known the moment he met Arin that he was special and that he would be important in his life, but nothing could have ever prepared him for just how true that was.

He's still recovering from his weird trip to whatever timeline that was, and it's still rough going sometimes. While Arin was in Japan, Dan had started going to therapy again, and funnily enough, he had put him on Busparione. It's too soon to tell on the medication, but the two therapy sessions he's had are already helping a bit. It's a bit of a struggle to talk about everything with his doctor, since it all happened in his head (he thinks?), but he's figuring it out.

No matter how turbulent the past eight months has been, Dan wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. It's so cliche, but he agrees that it's better to have loved and lost, because in the end, he didn't really lose at all, did he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so, so much for sticking with me through all of this. I started this fic not intending to ever continue the first chapter. It was just a little blurb that popped into my head one night and I had forgotten all about it. I found it and posted it and a bunch of people asked me to continue, and here we are eight million years later!  
> I appreciate every view, kudos, and comment with all of my heart. 
> 
> Keep being lovely.


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